Weather's Frightful, But Fire's Delightful
by CaelumBlue
Summary: It's the first winter of Iroh's Siege at Ba Sing Se, and the Fire Army has to deal with the horrors of snow. The Earth Army is amused.
1. Let it Snow!

**So I started writing this fic back during the Polar Vortex of 2013. You guys remember that one? Disney's Frozen had just come out in theatres, then we got slammed with snow, and I'm still not convinced that was a coincidence.**

 **I was still living up north with my parents at the time, and since our family has always been strict about saving energy and very much of the "just put on another sweater" mentality, the house was cold. Very cold. And I run colder than most people to begin with, so I was *freezing.***

 **I wrote this fic to deal, because misery loves fictional company, and what better way to cope with dead-fish-cold hands than by dragging a bunch of Firebenders through a blizzard?**

 **Also if memory serves correctly, I started writing this when I first got my teapot - not the kettle that you boil the water in, the ceramic pot that you brew the tea in - and it was the first time I'd ever had that much tea at my disposal all at once. So of course I drank two pots' worth of tea in just a few hours, got super caffeinated, and proceeded to giggle in horror at how jittery I was.**

 **I try to stick to just one pot at a time now.**

 **Anyway, this fic is set about...8 years before Sozin's Comet. Lu Ten is still alive and well (and not brainwashed, if you're reading this in a GG-context), Iroh is still a formidable and loyal prince, and the siege has been on for a few months at this point. Also we get to see Jouin, who hasn't been crushed by rocks yet, and we finally get to meet Kenta, my OC who is Lu Ten's bff and Ty Lee's older cousin. Enjoy!**

* * *

When the first few flakes fell, the Fire Nation encampment collectively stopped what they were doing to gape at the sky.

"Wow," said Prince Lu Ten. "It's like...fluffy rain."

Beside him, his best friend, Kenta, reached out to catch a few snowflakes on his hand. "Huh," he said. "It turns to water once it touches you."

Lu Ten was scrutinizing the flakes that had landed on his sleeves, and made a remarkable discovery. "It comes in _shapes!"_

Few people in the Fire Nation had ever seen snow. The stuff only existed on the highest peaks of the tallest mountains, and who wanted to climb up _there_ when there was a perfectly good beach nearby? The only Fire folk who'd seen snow were those who lived on very tall islands and were crazy enough to go mountain-climbing and the veterans who'd been involved in the Fire Army's northern campaigns.

Lu Ten and Kenta fit into neither category, and thus they watched the snow flurry down upon the camp with open-mouthed awe.

Some of the soldiers had already taken to playing in it; they were running through the flurries and zapping falling flakes out of the air with well-aimed fire darts. Lu Ten saw one man attempting to catch flakes on his tongue and hurried toward him. "Jouin! Enjoying the snow?"

"To an extent, sir," Jouin said, leaping after a particularly large flake and landing flat on his face. "Ugh."

Lu Ten chuckled and helped his trusty lieutenant back up. "Watch yourself, Jouin. I'd hate to have to replace you."

"I would never dream of putting you through such an inconvenience, sir."

Kenta was still catching flakes in his hands, admiring the translucent shapes before they melted on his skin. "It is pretty, I'll admit."

"Yes, sir," Jouin agreed with a quick nod, looking out over the camp. The snow gently drifted down through the still air, giving an odd illusion of the world in slow motion. "Almost makes the cold worth it."

* * *

"This is _not_ worth it," Lu Ten grumbled some time later, scowling from where he stood at the tent flap.

"What, the siege?" Iroh asked as he pored over a map. "You had better be joking. I do not want to tell your grandfather you are getting cold feet. Ha!" He laughed at his own joke.

Lu Ten rolled his eyes. "No, Dad, the _snow._ It's pretty, but that doesn't stop it from being _cold!"_

"Oh, quit your complaining," General Kilohana snorted from where she was looking over a report. "This is nothing."

Lu Ten blinked at the older woman. "It's been snowing for an _hour."_ He gestured out the tent flap, where the snowflakes were still fluttering gracefully to the ground. A thin white layer was dusted over the frozen mud.

General Kilohana gave him an unamused look. "Try invading the North Pole sometime. _Then_ tell me how cold it is."

"She has a point!" Iroh said. "It _was_ very cold up there! And it snowed for much more than an hour. It would snow for days on end!"

"We kept having to sweep snow off the deck," General Kilohana said. "And the sea kept freezing around us and the Waterbenders didn't even _bother_ fighting us and _you"_ \- she looked at Iroh - "kept forcing tea down everyone's throats."

Lu Ten blinked. "You say that like it's a _bad_ thing."

"Indeed," said Iroh, pointing at General Kilohana. "That tea saved our lives and you know it."

General Kilohana rolled her eyes. "You are so much like your mother it is _terrifying."_

Iroh chuckled. "I shall take that as a compliment! Anyway, we are lucky. Ba Sing Se is much farther south than the North Pole. Hopefully we will not get too much snow!"

* * *

"This is too much snow," Kenta declared, looking at the ground. "There's, like, an inch. An _inch!_ And it just keeps coming! Oh my Agni, when is this stuff going to _stop?"_ he asked, staring at the sky in mild horror. A snowflake hit him in the eye, and he whimpered and hunched over on the log he sat on, yanking the hood of his cloak down over his face.

"I don't know," Lu Ten grumbled from his seat next to Kenta, and he kicked at the snow covering the ground. "Hopefully soon." He _hoped_ it would be soon, but a niggling feeling at the back of his mind - his innate foresight, intuitive leadership skills, and spirits-granted Agni-ordained instinctual understanding of the entire universe, no doubt - told him that the snow wouldn't be stopping in the near future. Lu Ten didn't say as much out loud, though - again, thanks to his innate foresight, intuitive leadership skills, and spirits-granted Agni-ordained instinctual understanding of the entire universe. He was a _leader,_ thank you, and leaders had to keep up their subordinates' morale! Telling people that the snow would last a while yet would definitely not raise morale. Showing solidarity by sitting with his subordinates out in the cold around a campfire rather than retreating to his private tent, however, would.

Lu Ten was determined to show his soldiers that he was there for them in this trying time, no matter how miserable it made him, personally. And Kenta was helping, since Lu Ten had forced him to come out and be miserable as well. Together they would do good, leaderly things to raise the troops' spirits, right on up until they couldn't take the snow anymore and retreated back to Lu Ten's tent. Until then, they would talk with the soldiers, and complain about the snow with the soldiers, and listen to the soldiers, and also keep the fire going so as to make sure the soldiers stayed nice and warm.

Speaking of, it looked like the fire could use a little more fuel - the flames were dangerously low. Lu Ten reached for the pile of firewood and grabbed a hefty log from the stack - something this size would keep his soldiers warm for a while, he was sure. He threw it on the campfire, aiming for the heart of the blaze where the embers burned hottest. The log struck true, and the impact dislodged the carefully-arranged sticks that were stacked around the flames. The whole wood pile collapsed on itself, immediately smothering the fire and sending up a defeated little plume of smoke.

The soldiers huddled around the campfire shot their prince annoyed looks. Lu Ten blinked. "Oops. Sorry?"

Jouin sighed and got up from his seat to fix the damage. "With all due respect, sir, you are _terrible_ at campfires."

"I said sorry! Just hurry up and relight it before we all freeze!"

Corporal Yukiko began laughing. "Oh my spirits," she said, "you guys need to _chill."_

Lu Ten glared at her. "No. No snow puns allowed. In fact, no snow allowed. Snow should be illegal. Once we take over Ba Sing Se, I am outlawing snow."

"Can you do that?" Kenta asked hopefully, poking his face out of his cloak.

"I'm the future Fire Lord and a direct descendant of Agni; I can do whatever I want! And I want to outlaw snow. Anyone found guilty of snow will be arrested immediately."

"You can't arrest the sky, sir," Corporal Yukiko said.

"She has a point, sir," Jouin said, trying to achieve the proper balance of sticks.

Lu Ten pointed an accusing finger at Corporal Yukiko. "I don't trust you. Your name means _snow child_ for flame's sake! You're under arrest! And Jouin, _you're_ under arrest for conspiring with a pro-snow traitor."

"Fine, sir," Jouin sighed, sitting back from the fire pit. "Then I guess I can't fix this fire."

One of the soldiers next to Lu Ten burst into tears. "I don't wanna freeze to death!"

"What?" Lu Ten said. "No, no, I take it back - Jouin, you aren't under arrest, fix the fire! Private Lee, stop crying, please stop crying."

Private Lee did not stop crying.

Corporal Yukiko raised her hand. "Am _I_ still under arrest?"

Lu Ten glared at her. "I ought to charge you with terrorizing a fellow soldier!" he said, pointing at the whimpering form of Private Lee. "You see what you did?"

"Ah...sorry, sir," Corporal Yukiko said. "I promise I won't do it again?"

Lu Ten huffed. "See that you don't!"

" _...Am_ I still under arrest?"

Lu Ten thought it over. "Since I am in a magnanimous mood, no. But don't go causing anymore trouble! I've got my eye on you, snow-lover."

"Yes, sir. But I'm just saying," she shrugged. "Everyone needs to _calm down._ It's not that bad!"

Beside Corporal Yukiko, Corporal Sango shot an incredulous look at her friend.

"Oh my spirits, don't look at me like that!" Corporal Yukiko said.

"You are _crazy,"_ Corporal Sango said, and she huddled a little closer to the flame she held in her hands.

Corporal Yukiko rolled her eyes. "I mean, yeah, it's cold, but it isn't unbearable! You people should try going north if you think this is bad - "

"Corporal Yukiko," Lu Ten said, "I've gotten enough flak from my father and General Kilohana about how cold the North Pole is, and - Wait a second! You aren't even old enough to have been at the North Pole!" His eyes narrowed, and for the second time he pointed an accusing finger. "I knew it! You love snow for snow's sake! You traitor!"

"Actually, I was stationed in Caj-Bolor by the Northern Air Temple before I got transferred here," Corporal Yukiko said.

"Hm," Lu Ten said. "And I'm sure you just _loved_ it up there, didn't you?"

"Well, no," she said, "there weren't any boarcupines."

Jouin shuddered at the thought of a land without boarcupine pork. "How awful. Even Ba Sing Se has boarcupines!"

"Not sure if that's still true," Corporal Sango grumbled. "We've eaten a lot of them."

"But anyway," Corporal Yukiko said. "Even if you don't want to bring the northern climate into it, I've climbed mountains back home that were colder than this! Snow was deeper there, too. And I'm a _nonbender,_ so for Firebenders like yourselves this should be easy!"

Corporal Sango snorted. "Sure, but back home you could also _walk back down the mountain_ and be warm again."

"I'm starting to think Firebenders are wimps," Corporal Yukiko said, eyeing Corporal Sango dubiously.

Lu Ten continued glaring at her. Private Lee continued crying. Lu Ten sighed. He felt for the kid, he really did. "Private Lee, please, it's okay. Corporal Yukiko just told us she's a crazy mountain-climber and if the snow hasn't done _her_ in yet I'm sure you stand a chance! Just please stop crying, you aren't going to freeze to death, just...here." He wrapped an arm around the boy.

Private Lee blinked at the sudden touch and gaped at his prince. "You're _hot."_

"Why thank you," Lu Ten said. "I _am_ a Firebender. Speaking of, Jouin, fire?"

"Nearly there, sir," Jouin said, adjusting one last twig, and then he shot flames into the fire pit. The flames crackled merrily among the sticks.

"There we go," Lu Ten said. "There, see? It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay."

"Do you think so, sir?" Private Lee asked.

Lu Ten gave him an encouraging grin. "Well, it has to stop at some point!"

* * *

"Are you _sure_ it's gonna stop at some point?" Kenta asked, staring out through the tent flap. There were two inches of snow on the ground and even more still falling. "I'm supposed to go back to the southern encampment the day after tomorrow - how am I even going to _get_ there with all this stuff in the way?"

"Would you shut the door?" Lu Ten demanded from behind an armful of pillows. "You're letting all the warm air out! Get over here and help me."

Together the two Firebenders amassed every last one of the prince's blankets and pillows into a fluffy fort, into which they then retreated. They brought along a set of tea things and a pot of hot water to help defend their warm fortifications.

Lu Ten grumbled as he fiddled with the tea leaves. "It is _so_ flaming cold out there. This is ridiculous."

Kenta nodded and breathed a bit of flame between his hands.

"If you catch my blankets on fire I'm kicking you out."

"Aw, c'mon Lu, you wouldn't do that to your best friend," Kenta said.

"Ha. Watch me. It's everyone for themselves in this sort of situation. You can go build an igloo or something like some Water Tribe barbarian. No wonder their civilization is so uncivilized, if they have to deal with snow all the time. Here, have some tea."

Kenta accepted the teacup and eyed the liquid mournfully. "You're sure you don't have any coffee?"

"Kenta," Lu Ten said, "you know I don't drink coffee."

"You drink coffee when you come visit my family."

"Only because you and Min think it's hilarious to hide all your tea leaves so you can watch me force that swill down my throat and laugh at my pain. Drink your tea."

Kenta did so grudgingly.

* * *

Private Bing sipped her tea giddily. "Now what's happening?" she asked, staring over the wall. Down below, the sea of red tents was dotted with little campfires surrounded by tiny soldiers, but she couldn't make out many details without the telescope.

Corporal Roshi hummed, peering through the lens. "They're all huddling around the fires," he said, scanning the camp. "Speaking of, it is _definitely_ windy down there. I can see the flames getting pushed around in the fire pits. Not as windy as it is up here, of course," he added as a particularly strong gust whipped against the assembled soldiers' faces, "but it's coming from the northwest, so they can't go using our wall as a windbreak."

"Fantastic," Corporal Changpu grinned, and the other soldiers gathered around the wall's edge radiated smug agreement.

"Snow's still falling steadily, and everyone's still huddled around their fires like cricket-moths to a candle flame."

Private Bing giggled. "Yeah, they've been like that for _hours."_ Technically, _she_ was supposed to have the telescope. She _was_ the one on lookout duty, after all. But Corporal Roshi had proven to be a better narrator, so she'd been happy to hand the telescope over to him. Maybe she was being a little lax in her duties, but hey, she hadn't abandoned her position, and they were still keeping a lookout.

A _very detailed_ lookout.

And given the small audience Corporal Roshi's running commentary had attracted, there were quite a few people helping with the lookout.

Also, Corporal Changpu had bribed her for the telescope with hot tea, and Private Bing had been half-frozen and unable to resist. She didn't regret it in the slightest.

She cupped her hands firmly around her cup, absorbing as much warmth into her palms as she could, and had another sip. The drink was steaming hot, and she was determined to finish it while it still was that way. Up here at the top of the Outer Wall, the chilly winds could leach the warmth away from you in minutes.

"Oh boy," Corporal Roshi grinned suddenly, "looks like some poor Fire soldier has discovered ice skating. Minus the skates. Dude took two steps and just started sliding - oh no buddy, don't let your legs spread out, you're gonna - down he goes! Facedown straight into the snow! Beautiful!"

Corporal Changpu snickered. "I hope he broke his nose."

"I can't tell," Corporal Roshi said. "He's not getting up, though."

"Maybe he died?" someone else from the audience asked.

"That would be an impressively embarrassing death," Corporal Roshi said. "Nah, I think he's just laying there. Either he's seriously injured or he's just given up on life. Oh, look, he has a friend."

"Firebenders are capable of having friends?" someone muttered.

"Well, at least people who will come over and try to pry you out of the snow," Corporal Roshi shrugged. "Wow, dude _really_ doesn't wanna get up. He just keeps flopping back down every time the other one tries. Arm pull, flop. Two-arm pull, flop. Attempted pick-up, flop."

"Sounds like some babies I know," Private Bing commented.

"And now his friend is calling for reinforcements. Two people trying to get this guy up now, one at each arm. They're pulling him up, and...flop. Wow. I haven't seen anyone this committed to staying horizontal since I gave Changpu a wakeup call this morning."

"Hey," Corporal Changpu muttered. The other soldiers snickered.

"Just think," Private Bing said. "If they can't handle the snow after a few _hours,_ what's it gonna be like when they wake up tomorrow?"

Corporal Roshi glanced up at the sky and shot her a grin. "It _is_ coming down pretty steadily, isn't it?"

Corporal Changpu snickered and pulled his cloak around him tighter. "Oh," he said, "it's going to be _interesting_ when they wake up in the morning."

* * *

Lu Ten and Kenta woke up the next morning to hear a muttering voice and squeaky crunching noises coming from outside the tent. A moment later, someone stumbled in through the tent flap.

"Sir," Jouin's voice started, and abruptly paused. "Um, sir? Prince Lu Ten?"

"We're in the pillow fort, Jouin," Lu Ten said. He shoved a pillow away from his head and peered at his lieutenant. Jouin was blinking owlishly at the pillow fort. Lu Ten sat up, ignoring Kenta's grumblings about how all the heat was escaping the blankets. "Morning."

"Morning, sir," Jouin said meekly.

"Please tell me the snow stopped," Lu Ten said.

Jouin made a despair-filled mewling noise in the back of his throat. "Well," he managed, "it _stopped…"_

Kenta groaned from under the blankets. "I don't like the sound of that. Why don't I like the sound of that?"

"Yeah," Lu Ten frowned. "The snow stopping should be a _good_ thing, Jouin. Why do you look like someone just told you boarcupines went extinct?"

Jouin looked utterly despondent. "Just...you have to see it for yourself, sir…"

Lu Ten got up and stalked to the tent flap to peek outside. "MOTHER OF AGNI, IT'S EVERYWHERE!"

Jouin just whimpered.

All told, a full six inches had fallen.

Lu Ten tentatively took a step outside. He stared when the snow went well above his ankle. "Oh my spirits, this is terrible. This is just...terrible."

Kenta joined him at the tent flap and blinked out at all the white. A thick layer of fluffy wet torture was spread over the entire camp. "I'm going to be stuck here for a while," he said, "aren't I?"

There was a low bellowing noise, and they turned their gazes a few tents down to see a Komodo rhino struggling to pull a wagon through the frozen mess. The wheels were stuck in an icy rut, and the rhino's feet kept slipping. The poor animal and its handlers looked equally miserable and confused.

"Yeah, I don't think you're getting back to the southern encampment anytime soon," Lu Ten said.

"Great," said Kenta. "I need to send a letter."

"I'll fetch a messenger hawk, sir," said Jouin.

"Bring it to my father's tent," Lu Ten said. "Kenta and I are joining him for breakfast."

Kenta immediately brightened. "Great! I could really use some coffee!"

Lu Ten blinked. "My dad doesn't have _coffee."_

Kenta ignored him. "Come on, Lu, let's...go…" He trailed off as he realized that the way to Iroh's tent was completely snowed over. "Great. How are we doing this?"

Lu Ten surveyed the few inches of snow and the thin sheet of ice covering the path. "Okay," he said. "Okay, it's not so bad. I can handle this." He took a step out of his tent and immediately slipped, fell, and slid several feet.

"Spectacularly well-handled, sir," Jouin said.

"Jouin, I swear to Agni, if you don't shut up right now I will never make you tea again, _ever."_

Jouin shut up and hurried forward with Kenta to help the prince to his feet.

"Okay," Lu Ten said when he was once again upright, carefully keeping his balance. "Okay, it's slippery, so we've got to be careful."

"Ugh," said Kenta, slipping a little himself, but not falling over. "This is ridiculous. There's absolutely no way to get a grip on the ground. We're going to end up like that poor rhino." He gestured back at the beast, which had apparently given up on life and had collapsed into an annoyed huffing heap. Its handlers looked like they rather wanted to do the same. "How are we supposed to _walk?"_

"Okay," Lu Ten said, rubbing his temples. "Okay, okay, how about we just...oh!" He burst out laughing. Then he shot fire at the ground. The ice evaporated instantly, going up in little hissing plumes of steam.

Kenta and Jouin blinked a few times before also raising their hands and blasting fire at their frozen surroundings. Before long they'd managed to clear a perfectly walkable pathway away from the tent.

"Alright!" Lu Ten grinned, striding forward with nary a slip to take aim at another patch of ice. It melted immediately, leaving a puddle in its wake. "Haha, of course this works! We're Firebenders! Ice doesn't stand a chance against us!"

"Tell that to the poor soldiers who got frozen by Waterbenders during the northern campaigns."

"I am _trying_ to keep an upbeat attitude here, Kenta!"

* * *

Iroh looked up from the letter he was writing when his son and his son's best friend stomped into his tent. "Ah, good morning!" he beamed. "...Why are you soaked?"

"We just melted all the snow and ice between my tent and yours," Lu Ten said. "It was awesome. There was so much of it, though."

Iroh chuckled. "It's not that bad. A mere half-foot."

"The ground was covered!" Lu Ten protested, taking a seat at the table that had been set up for breakfast. Kenta followed suit.

"Ha!" said Iroh. "Don't let General Kilohana hear you complaining!"

"Don't worry, I won't," Lu Ten said, grabbing for the teapot.

Kenta shivered a little as he helped himself to breakfast. "General Iroh, sir, could I please borrow some of your paper? I need to write a letter to the southern camp."

"Certainly!" Iroh said.

"Thank you, sir." Kenta took a moment to survey the breakfast table. "Would you happen to have any coffee?"

Iroh blinked. "Why would I have _coffee?"_

Lu Ten smirked into his teacup. Kenta groaned.

* * *

 **Next week: The troops get their hands on a boarcupine. Iroh and General Kilohana reminisce about the Northern Water Tribe siege. Kenta still wants coffee.**

 **Here, have some name notes:**

 **FN Army**  
 **Kilohana - Hawaiian - excellent, best, superior**  
 **Sango - Japanese - coral**  
 **Yukiko - Japanese - snow child**

 **EK Army**  
 **Bing - "bing" is pinyin for a lot of things in Mandarin, but given the theme of this fic, let's say her name is written 冰** **, which means "ice"**  
 **Changpu - supposedly "flourishing simplicity" in Chinese, probably Mandarin, so I guess it's written 昌樸** **?**  
 **Roshi - Actually the meaning of this name isn't important at all, and honestly it's not even proper pinyin - there is no "ro", there's "ruo" and "rou" but no "ro", but look, that's not the point here, the point is if you flip the syllables around and think about an as-yet-unborn canon character who is ALSO very good at running commentary, congratulations, you know who Corporal Roshi's grandson is.**

 **Caj-Bolor is the name Stingrae and I made up for the Earth Kingdom province where the Northern Air Temple is located. It's kinda hard to find a good Mongolian-English translation program, but "caj-" should mean "white" and "bolor" should mean "crystal", and we were definitely thinking of snow on the mountains when we named the place.**


	2. It's a Marshmallow World in the Winter

**Idk about the title of this chapter. I've decided to use various winter song lyrics, but it sure would've been nice if I'd decided that ages ago so I could match the perfect one to each chapter and formulate a proper theme. *shrug* Whatever; I refuse to go crazy over this fic and I need to train myself to not go into a perfectionistic downspiral, so I'm slapping this title on this chapter and calling it a day.**

 **No Earth Army in this one, unfortunately - it was getting long and I liked the segues as they were, so I didn't push them into it. Don't worry, they'll be back next time.**

* * *

 _To Sergeant Nohokai:_

 _If you're reading this, congratulations on not having frozen to death. You ought to be pleased to know that I haven't, either. Unfortunately, I won't be returning to the southern camp as scheduled, seeing as I'm imprisoned by the hordes of cold fluffy white hell. Rest assured I'll be back as soon as travel is possible. Lu Ten doesn't even have any coffee. It's terrible. Why am I friends with this jerk?_

 _Good luck with the fluffy frozen rain. If I come back and find you and the rest of my soldiers have frozen, I will be most displeased._

 _Captain Kenta of Kohimori Island_

 _P.S. SEND COFFEE_

Kenta finished his letter with an intense flourish of his brush and shoved the paper at Jouin. "Here," he grumbled.

"I'll have it sent immediately, sir," Jouin said.

"Great," Kenta said, only a little bitter as he slurped at his tea. Jouin rolled up the letter and went outside, where a messenger hawk was waiting.

Lu Ten was hovering over the maps, reports, and letters scattered over the table. Breakfast was over; it was time to get to work. "How's the strategizing going?" he asked his father.

"It's going somewhere!" Iroh said brightly.

"Somewhere good?"

"That remains to be seen. I'm expecting General Kilohana to come and - ah, here she is!"

The tent flap opened, and General Kilohana marched in, stomping snow from her boots. She looked a bit like a wet tigerdillo - dangerously irked. She was carrying a stack of papers, which she dropped unceremoniously on the table.

"Would those be the reports from the eastern camp?" Iroh asked.

"I already read them," she grunted, sitting down at the table and helping herself to some tea. "The wall's just as thick and high on that side as it is over here. No surprise there." She gulped down the hot liquid, and Lu Ten and Iroh wrinkled their noses at how little effort she put into enjoying the taste. "At this point, it doesn't look like it matters where we go through, so long as we get through _somewhere."_

"Fantastic," Kenta sighed. "Let's just blow up the damn wall and get it over with. Maybe they have nice warm houses on the other side!" He looked a little pleased at the thought.

"It will take some time before we have enough blasting jelly to blow up the wall," Iroh chuckled.

"How much time?" Kenta asked warily.

"Another year, at least!"

Kenta groaned. "Can we try to do it _before_ next winter?"

"No promises," General Kilohana said darkly. "And get over it - this isn't as bad as - "

" - the North Pole, yes, General, _I know,"_ Lu Ten said, desperately trying to stave off yet another North Pole rant. He was saved when Jouin came back into the tent. "Jouin! You're back!"

"Yes sir. The letter's been sent."

"Wonderful," Kenta drawled, glaring at his tea.

"Father," Lu Ten said, "if you don't need any help reading through the reports, I'll be spending the day checking in on the troops."

"A splendid idea!" Iroh beamed. "Lieutenant Jouin, how _are_ the soldiers doing in this weather?"

"Cold but fine, sir."

"That's as good as can be expected, I guess," Lu Ten said. "Is everyone staying warm? How's the firewood supply? Are there enough blankets?"

"I believe everyone is making due," Jouin said. "We have loggers working in the forest, so the firewood supply should be fine. And I believe that most of our Firebenders have suddenly found that every nonbender wants to be their best friend." He gave a wry smirk. "Frankly sir, I don't think we need to worry about anyone freezing to death. I think we need to worry about morale. If Captain Kenta is anything to go by, the snow is going to leave the soldiers extremely grumpy."

"Hey!" Kenta snapped. "I'd be fine if you people just had some coffee!"

"Shush, Kenta, he's right," Lu Ten said, idly patting his friend's face. "We need to keep up morale."

"I suggest having a music night!" Iroh said. "Nothing like some lovely music to uplift the spirit. Back at the North Pole I started a weekly music night to keep our soldiers sane during the long winter!"

"Ah, yes," General Kilohana nodded. "Definitely some of the most pleasant memories I have of that campaign."

"Indeed! Once a week the entire ship would come together for a night of good food, great tea, and fantastic music! We'd play all sorts of songs all through the night! It was great fun."

"Except for that one time the first mate refused to stop _dancing,"_ General Kilohana said darkly.

Lu Ten choked on his tea. " _Dancing?"_ he yelped. "Why on earth was he dancing?!"

Jouin blanched. "That's - _illegal."_

General Kilohana shrugged. "He grew up in the colonies. Apparently they're much more lax there when it comes to such things."

"Indeed," Iroh sighed. "We told him to stop, and he wanted to know why. We told him that dancing was unseemly, ridiculous, and illegal by order of the Fire Lord. He said those reasons were stupid and continued despite our direct orders telling him to cease."

"...So, what did you do?" Kenta asked.

"Threw him overboard for treason," General Kilohana shrugged.

Jouin winced, looking a little pale.

"Shame," Lu Ten said. "Waste of a good officer."

"Hardly," General Kilohana said. "Personally I was fairly certain he was a halfbreed spy. Never trust anyone with green eyes."

"But other than that," Iroh said, "music night was a big hit! Possibly because there was nothing else to do. But still, we all had a wonderful time!"

"Right on up until Jeong Jeong snapped and threw your tsungi horn overboard," General Kilohana chuckled.

Iroh huffed. "Yes. Jeong Jeong…"

There was a moment of silence. Admiral Jeong Jeong had deserted years ago, but the betrayal still haunted Iroh.

"I will keep music night in mind," Lu Ten said at length. "First I'd like to assess the situation. See what my soldiers need. Make sure everyone's staying warm - I don't care if you say no one's freezing to death, Jouin, we need to _make sure_ no one's freezing to death!"

"Of course, sir."

"So," Kenta said, "how will we engage with the troops, keep them warm, and provide them with something they need?"

Lu Ten's eyes glinted. "I'm going to make tea for the whole camp."

Iroh beamed. "An excellent idea!"

Kenta groaned. "General Iroh, do you need some help going over this paperwork?" he asked, leaning over and poking at the reports. "I'd _really_ like to help you with this paperwork."

"Nonsense! General Kilohana and I have it all covered. Go make sure the soldiers are taken care of!"

"Come on, Kenta," Lu Ten said, dragging his friend out of the tent. Jouin followed after them, amused.

"But how do you even know the soldiers _want_ tea?" Kenta asked. "What if they don't want tea? Huh? What then?"

Lu Ten laughed. "That's ridiculous, Kenta. Everyone wants tea!"

* * *

"Does anyone here _not_ want tea?"

Absolutely none of the soldiers huddled around the fire pits raised their hand. Kenta groaned.

"Told you!" Lu Ten said cheerily as he passed out cups. "Everyone loves tea!" He found Corporals Sango and Yukiko huddled together by a fire pit, practically cuddling. "Still think the cold's not that bad?" he asked, offering the tray of tea.

"Oh, I'm still fine, sir," Corporal Yukiko said. She was clinging to an annoyed Corporal Sango's arm. "I might only be saying that because Sango has become my personal furnace, but I'm fine, really. It's bearable."

"Sure it is," Lu Ten said amicably. "Tea?"

" _Yes,_ please!" Corporal Sango said as she and Corporal Yukiko grabbed at the cups. "Hey, Yukiko, hold it with both of your hands, it'll keep them warm."

"But then I won't be able to hold on to _you!"_

"Yes, exactly."

"See, Kenta?" Lu Ten said as the women slurped at their drinks. "Corporals Yukiko and Sango appreciate tea."

"I appreciate tea, too!" Kenta snapped from where he was handing out tea at the next campfire over. "I just appreciate coffee more!"

Lu Ten rolled his eyes and moved on to the next soldier. "Private Lee, you want any tea?"

Private Lee stared up at the prince of his country with the proper respect, reverence, and gratitude due to such a grand and magnanimous being. Lu Ten smiled down at him, a beacon of light and hope in the dreary white wasteland. Then he shoved a cup of tea into the awestruck kid's hands.

"Here kid, drink that."

Private Lee stared at him for a moment before stuttering out, "Y-yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

"Kenta," Lu Ten called, "Private Lee likes tea too!"

"Oh my spirits, Lu, _shut up!"_

Private Lee looked properly scandalized at anyone talking to the prince that way. Lu Ten patted him on the head. "Don't worry about Kenta, he hasn't had any coffee lately and he's gonna be a grumpy boarcupine about it."

"Mmmm," Corporal Yukiko hummed into her teacup. "Boarcupine."

"Um," Private Lee said, "okay, sir." He still looked disturbed. "Shouldn't he be a bit more...reverent?"

Lu Ten chuckled. "Aw, kid, you're precious."

Private Lee looked absolutely floored that the heir to his nation would consider him precious.

"But," Lu Ten continued, "you just need to remember that I'm just a regular guy with regular, sometimes-annoying friends. Who just so happens to be the prince of the greatest nation in the world and the direct descendant of the spirit of fire."

Private Lee seemed to consider that.

"Drink your tea," Lu Ten added.

Private Lee drank his tea. Lu Ten beamed at the show of obedience. He felt for the kid, he really did. Seventeen years old, fresh out of training, and his first time out of the Fire Nation he was assigned to Iroh's Siege. Tackling Ba Sing Se was no mean feat, even when the weather _wasn't_ trying to kill you. Still, Private Lee had proved himself to be a worthy soldier...even if he was a little frazzled by the whole experience.

Over at the other fire pit, Kenta was grumbling as he shoved mugs of tea at people. "How come Jouin doesn't have to do this?"

"Because _he's_ out seeing what the hunters have brought in!" Lu Ten said.

"Hope he gets back soon," Corporal Yukiko said, cuddling up against Corporal Sango. "I'm getting hungry."

"Oh my spirits, Yukiko, _let go of me,"_ Corporal Sango grumbled.

"No," Corporal Yukiko said, clutching her friend. "You're _warm."_ She burrowed her face into Corporal Sango's shoulder. Corporal Sango looked liable to start spitting fire any second.

"Hey now, none of that," Lu Ten ordered. He grabbed the teapot off his tray and refilled their cups. "Drink up, you two. No fighting. Corporal Sango, do the right thing and share your body heat with the nonbenders, please."

Corporal Sango grumbled. "Yes, sir."

"Your mild discomfort is an inspiration to us all, soldier," Lu Ten told her. "Look at how you're inspiring Private Lee!"

Private Lee did indeed look inspired, as he always did when Lu Ten was in the vicinity. He also looked cold.

Lu Ten frowned a little. "Drink your tea, Private."

Private Lee drank his tea.

Lu Ten beamed at them all. "It's so nice to have people who follow orders so well! Why can't Kenta be more like you guys?"

"I follow orders!" Kenta protested.

"You complain all the way!"

Kenta growled.

"BOARCUPINE!" Corporal Yukiko suddenly squealed. Lu Ten followed her gaze to see Jouin walking toward them, looking very smug. Behind him came a dead boarcupine hanging from a branch held between two men.

Jouin looked intensely pleased with himself. "Yes! It _is_ a boarcupine!"

"Thought we'd eaten them all," Corporal Sango said.

"We haven't!" Jouin grinned. "...Although this might be the last one, the hunters aren't sure yet. They haven't seen any others in a week!"

"Fantastic," Corporal Sango sighed.

"It is!" Corporal Yukiko grinned. "Alright, let's get this thing on a spit and get roasting!"

"A _spit?"_ Jouin repeated, looking horrified. "We are _not_ putting this boarcupine on a spit!"

"Well how else are we supposed to cook it? Oh, no, wait, you're right - we should just chop it up and cook the meat in strips, that'll be faster. I'll go get some knives - "

"We are going to slow-cook it in an underground stone oven for twelve hours," Jouin said.

Corporal Yukiko gaped. "That'll take _forever!"_

"That's how Agni intended for boarcupines to be eaten!"

"Agni intended for boarcupines to be _eaten,_ not shoved underground for hours!"

"Are you mocking the proper way to prepare a boarcupine, soldier?"

Lu Ten winced. "Oh, boy."

"How long ago was it killed?" Corporal Yukiko asked. "If it's fresh we could just skip the cooking altogether and just eat it raw!"

Jouin stared at her. " _Raw?!_ This may be the last boarcupine we get for a while! It's _imperative_ that we prepare it properly! None of this silly spit-roasting we've been doing! And we're _definitely_ not eating it raw! No, we're going to do this one _right."_

"With all due respect, sir," Corporal Yukiko said, "roasting the boarcupine on a spit is _also_ the right way to do it. I mean, that's how we do it back in the Clan of the Red Shirts! Right, Sango?"

Sango nodded, looking peeved at being dragged into this.

"Well, in the Green Sand Clan, we do things differently!" Jouin said. "And, dare I say, _better!_ You will all thank me after I've had the boarcupine properly prepared."

"But we're hungry _now!"_ Corporal Yukiko said.

"Don't you want to properly enjoy the last boarcupine?" Jouin demanded. "We might not have any left after this one!"

Private Lee burst into tears. "I don't wanna starve!"

Lu Ten stared up at the sun and prayed for strength. Instead he got spots spattered across his vision and a convenient distraction. "Oh," he said, noting the angle of the sun. "I need to go join my father for tea. Jouin, make sure everyone gets lunch."

"Gladly!"

"At _lunchtime,"_ Lu Ten added.

"Thank you, sir!" Corporal Yukiko beamed.

Jouin groaned. "But _sir,_ the culinary _integrity…"_

"I'm sure you'll manage," Lu Ten said. "And Corporal, make sure you actually let Lieutenant Jouin _cook_ the food before you wolf-bat it down."

She sulked. "Yes, sir."

Lu Ten beamed at his compromise-creating skills. "Alright! In that case, I must go and see my father for tea. Kenta, you coming?"

Kenta wrinkled his nose. "I'm not in the mood for tea." He shoved another cup at a hapless soldier, nearly pushing the poor guy out of his seat while he was at it.

Lu Ten shrugged. "Suit yourself." He glanced at Jouin and Corporal Yukiko, who were still scowling at each other. "...Actually, you know what? You're in charge. Resolve the situation, please." And he left before Kenta could protest.

There were about three seconds of silence during which Kenta realized he'd been abandoned to his fate, and then Jouin and Corporal Yukiko were ripping into each other again.

"I am _starving,_ and if you don't let me eat that thing _right now_ I swear to _Agni - "_

"ARE YOU THREATENING YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER, YOU BOARCUPINE HEATHEN?"

"Hey, hey!" Kenta snapped, getting between them. "Guys, please, _both_ of your boarcupine-cooking methods are delicious! Maybe we should cut the thing in half and you can each do it your own way?"

Corporal Yukiko looked amiable to the suggestion, but Jouin gaped in horror. "THE NERVE OF SUCH AN IDEA!"

Kenta gave up and sat down heavily between Corporal Sango, whose head was held in her hands, and Private Lee, who looked resigned to starvation. "...Maybe I should've gone with Lu," he sighed. "Wouldn't've been any coffee, but at least I wouldn't be in the middle of a screaming match."

* * *

Lu Ten walked into Iroh's tent and found himself in the middle of a screaming match.

General Kilohana was fuming. Literally. Lu Ten could _see_ the heat waves coming off of her head. "That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard!"

"Well at least it's an _idea!"_ Colonel Bujing shouted back. "Your plan will keep us here for _ages_ until we have enough blasting jelly to get through! _Ages!_ What's the point of besieging the city if we're just sitting around forever?"

"Technically, the point of besieging a city _is_ to sit around forever," Iroh said sagely, sipping at his tea. He was sitting at the table, reviewing a report and steadfastly ignoring the other two. A teapot steamed before him. Lu Ten slipped to his father's side, passing by Colonel Bujing's lieutenant on the way. The other man stood by the tent flap, watching the argument warily and looking like he was considering the merits of just going outside to wait in the snow.

Colonel Bujing snorted at Iroh. "That's horribly inefficient."

"Oh, and your plan isn't?" General Kilohana demanded.

"No! It's very simple - by using the inexperienced troops as bait - "

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD OF YOUR HAREBRAINED PLAN! I swear, that is the most idiotic, inefficient, _wasteful_ idea I have ever heard!"

"It isn't wasteful - it's a trade-off! Fresh meat for - "

"The Great March of Civilization would never have gotten off the ground if Fire Lord Sozin had treated his troops as _meat!"_

"Do I want to know?" Lu Ten asked Iroh warily as he sat down.

"Colonel Bujing wants to use some of the newer recruits as bait to take out a section of the Earth Army."

Lu Ten blinked a few times. "Does he _want_ Grandpa to fry him?"

Iroh snorted. "Apparently he never got my father's memo on efficient use of resources."

Lu Ten nodded, grabbed a cup of tea Iroh had prepared, and leaned back to watch the show. General Kilohana was ripping into Colonel Bujing, with an attitude that might qualify as gleeful abandon were it not for how _stern_ she was being about the whole thing.

"Colonel," she said, "do you recall how every time there is a promotion to the rank of general available, you are passed over for it?"

Colonel Bujing stiffened a bit. "Yes," he said, looking a little bitter. "But I hardly see what that has to do with - "

"Do you recall," General Kilohana continued, "how you rage and complain whenever Fire Lord Azulon promotes someone who isn't you?"

Colonel Bujing glanced nervously at Iroh and Lu Ten. "I don't - "

"How you always wonder _why_ someone as brilliant and strategical as yourself has, despite your age and experience, never attained the rank of general?"

"...I still don't see what this has to do with the situation at hand," Colonel Bujing ground out. "But since you're so intent on discussing the subject, I'll humor you. Yes, I recall those things. And you have to admit - it _is_ very frustrating and makes no sense." He shot a challenging look at Iroh and Lu Ten. "I would rather like to know why."

Lu Ten slurped his tea. Iroh kept his eyes on his report and merely murmured, "Here we go."

General Kilohana gave the most unhappy smirk imaginable and went in for the kill. " _Stupid ideas like this are why_ , Colonel! You have a decent head while commanding troops on the battlefield, but off of it your sense of strategy is horrifyingly inefficient."

Colonel Bujing scoffed. "I would hardly call the goal of taking out the Earth Kingdom's elite troops _horrifying - "_

"While callously sacrificing our own?"

"New recruits are _not_ elite troops - "

"But they have the _potential_ to be, Colonel, and that potential is wasted if we throw their lives away!"

"It's not like I was going to use _Firebenders - "_

"It doesn't matter who you were going to use," General Kilohana said. "If we foolishly sacrifice troops for every little gain, we won't _have_ an army anymore. You need to think of things in the long-term, Colonel. This war hasn't lasted ninety-three years because the Fire Nation gives up its soldiers left and right. The Great March of Civilization has lasted this long because we have been _efficient with our resources."_

Colonel Bujing's lips twisted like he was trying not to scowl, but he said nothing.

"Fire Lord Azulon has no place for officers who use their soldiers inefficiently. Stop trying to use up our resources for once and come up with a plan with a better sense of stewardship! Maybe then you'll get the promotion you so desperately want! Dismissed!"

Colonel Bujing stalked out of the tent, his lieutenant hurrying behind him. There was a moment of silence while General Kilohana collected herself.

Finally, she said, "I dislike that man. How on earth was he ever promoted to colonel?"

"He's good at burning things," Iroh said mildly.

General Kilohana snorted. "Fire Lord Azulon doesn't promote people based on how much fire they produce."

"No," Iroh agreed, "but my brother does."

General Kilohana groaned. " _Ozai._ I swear…"

"Yeah," Lu Ten agreed, sipping his tea, "he's kind of a pain."

"Ha," General Kilohana said. She looked at Iroh. "All that time I was babysitting you - why wasn't anyone keeping an eye on _him?"_

Iroh tapped his chin. "You know," he said, "that might have been my job! Whoops."

General Kilohana scowled and grabbed a cup of tea.

"So!" Iroh said, turning to Lu Ten. "How are the troops?"

"I left them arguing over the best way to cook a boarcupine," Lu Ten said. "Jouin and Corporal Yukiko might end up killing each other. Not sure. I left Kenta in charge!"

"So long as they eat," General Kilohana said. "The latest reports from the hunters say there aren't many big game animals left." She sighed. "All that screaming I just did about not wasting resources and here we are eating everything in the landscape."

"It'll be really awful if we manage to starve before the city we're besieging does," Lu Ten nodded, and then a horrible thought occurred to him. "Wait a second - what's the snow doing to the supply lines?"

"Currently, not much more than slowing them down," Iroh said. "It might become a problem if we get more."

"Hm," said Lu Ten, sipping his tea. "I'll have to look into that."

"Later," Iroh ordered. "For right now, we are going to sit here and have a calming cup of jasmine tea."

"Great idea," Lu Ten grinned. "And then I need to go back and check on my troops. Kenta probably hates me."

* * *

 **Next week: The Fire Army continues attempting to deal. Lu Ten realizes they might all starve to death. The Earth Army OCs are joined by some canon characters everyone always forgets about.**

 **Hope you enjoyed! Reviews are love. ^_^**

 **Some notes!**

 **Colonel Bujing is not an OC, though by the time we met him in canon he was a General. In case you didn't figure it out, he's the jerk who suggested using rookies as bait, thus starting us on the magical tale of Zuko's backstory. As noted, I've written him as merely a colonel here, but after Ozai takes the throne he's swept through quite a few promotions.**

 **Colonel Bujing and General Kilohana's argument also gave me a chance to lay out a headcanon of mine that, for all his atrocities and war crimes, Azulon was an EXTREMELY efficient Fire Lord. You don't keep a war going for the better part of a century by wasting your resources. General Kilohana's served under Azulon for quite some time now, so she knows how to keep things running as efficiently as he likes them, she's seen with her own eyes that Azulon's methods work, and she is very unimpressed with Ozai's attempts to do anything.**

 **...despite his efficiency, however, Azulon still okay'd the siege, which is...really not a good idea. Sieges are the worst, for both parties involved. In The Art of War, Sun Tzu pretty much dedicated a whole section to FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN A SIEGE IT SUCKS IT'S TIME CONSUMING MORALE WILL DROP YOUR TROOPS WILL HATE YOU IT'S THE WORST POSSIBLE STRATEGY DON'T DO IT. I guess Iroh never read it. *shrug***

 **Jouin's slow-cooked boarcupine technique is totally lifted from/based on kālua, the Hawaiian method that cooks food in an underground oven.**

 **Jouin's Green Sand Clan is also a reference to Hawaii's Green Sand Beach. If I'd known how many Hawaiian references I was gonna stick in Jouin's background when I first made him, I would've given him a Hawaiian name. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻**

 **Coporals Yukiko and Sango and Private Lee are all members of the Red Shirt Clan, like most Fire Nation mooks. The Red Shirts are a very large clan, and they've sacrificed many of their members to the war effort. :P**

 **Kenta's island's name, Kohimori, means "coffee forest" in Japanese. Guess what their #1 agricultural export is. Now feel free to pity Kenta even more - his grumpiness over the lack of coffee doesn't come so much from a caffeine addiction as it does from the fact that** ** _coffee almost literally runs through his veins and he has been cruelly cut off from his life source._**


	3. Come on, it's Lovely Weather

Bah, I had to skip updating last week, I'm sorry. Work was work, and the writing didn't wanna work with me, so I gave myself a break. :P

The writing STILL didn't wanna work with me after I got back to it, tho, so unfortunately the EK Army part is...not as involved as I'd like it to be. I do have some good scenes lined up for them soon, but unfortunately they just didn't fit into the timeline yet. Hopefully in the next chapter I'll be able to use the scene I had to cut from this one.

Anyways, we have more canon characters joining the ranks now, as well as another one of my OCs, General Bian of Nanyue, who we first met in That Time Tuan Got Plastered and who is also a very recalcitrant character to write. :P

Speaking of, Nanyue gets mentioned here, so as always when I bring that province up, warnings for brief mentions of past war crimes! Nanyue was a mess. ._.

* * *

"I hate you," Kenta announced when Lu Ten got back to the campfires. He was eating some sort of stew.

"I figured," Lu Ten shrugged. "How'd the boarcupine go?"

"Well," Kenta began, tapping his spoon against his bowl, "Lieutenant Jouin challenged Corporal Yukiko to an Agni Kai to settle the dispute, Corporal Yukiko reminded him she was a nonbender and thus couldn't engage, they tried to work out a compromise or find Corporal Yukiko a stand-in or something, and when that fell through they had a staring contest, then they started insulting each other's clans, Corporal Yukiko said something about Waikki that had Jouin challenging her to an Agni Kai _again_ and when he remembered he couldn't he nearly threw fire at her anyway but then he grabbed some snow and threw _that_ at her instead. Then she threw snow back at him and then they were fighting in the snow and it looked really cold and horrible and after a while they were soaked through and in danger of frostbite so they had to go dry off and get changed and then they came back and before they could start up again I told them to sit down, shut up, and have some delicious boarcupine stew." He had another bite of his food.

"...Where'd the stew come from?" Lu Ten asked.

Kenta shrugged. "While they were busy fighting I got the cook and Corporal Sango and Private Lee and a few other people to make it."

Lu Ten nodded. "See, this is why I left you in charge! Well done, Kenta."

"Thanks," Kenta drawled. "You can repay me in coffee."

"Kenta I don't _have_ any coffee," Lu Ten said patiently. "However I _will_ have some of that delicious-looking stew!"

Kenta sighed. "Pot's over there," he said, pointing at a massive cauldron simmering over the nearest campfire.

"Smells great," Lu Ten said, heading toward it. He greeted his soldiers along the way, taking note of how warm and content and well-fed they all looked. He passed by Corporal Sango and Private Lee with a little wave, pleased to see that Corporal Sango was fulfilling her duty of being a walking furnace. Private Lee was huddled beside her, looking much warmer than he had earlier. Lu Ten also caught sight of Corporal Yukiko and Jouin - they were sitting on opposite sides of the campfire, glaring at each other as they grudgingly ate their stew. Lu Ten sighed and decided he probably ought to do something about their disagreement.

The cook ladled out a hearty helping of stew and handed the bowl to the prince. "Thanks," he said, and he went back to Kenta. He kicked his friend's leg.

"Ow! Lu, what was that for?"

"I need your help," Lu Ten started.

"When _don't_ you?" Kenta grumbled.

"I'm going to go talk to Jouin," Lu Ten said. "You go talk to Yukiko."

"What? Why?"

"Because with the way they're glaring at each other we need to stamp out the sparks before they ignite an inferno."

Kenta peered past Lu Ten and frowned at the way the two boarcupine-lovers were glaring at each other. "Okay," he sighed, "just because I _really_ don't want another one of those snow fights breaking out. That was awful. Stupidly awful." He got up and headed toward Corporal Yukiko.

Lu Ten grinned at his innate delegation and leadership skills and made his way over to Jouin. "So," he said, sitting down, "Kenta tells me you almost started an Agni Kai over a boarcupine."

"I cite culinary integrity and the honor of my clan as my reasons, sir," Jouin said, not breaking eye contact with Corporal Yukiko. Kenta had sat down next to her and was trying to start up a conversation. From across the fire, Lu Ten could hear his friend's voice.

 _("Hey, yeah, so, I know I'm not your commanding officer and not from your clan or island and have literally nothing to do with you but I kind of need you to listen to me for a second.")_

"That's all well and good," Lu Ten said patiently to Jouin, "but is arguing over how to cook a boarcupine really worth it?"

" _Culinary integrity,_ sir."

"Jouin," Lu Ten said, "this is the Fire Army, we're in the midst of a massive siege, and I need us to put aside petty squabbles and all to work together as a team to - "

"Sir, how would you like it if someone insisted you boil tea?"

"Oh my Agni I would burn them at the stake and banish the ashes," Lu Ten said automatically.

"I'm glad you see my point, sir," Jouin said, taking a bite of his stew.

 _("The point is we're all stuck in this frozen hell together and I know we're all stressed but that's no reason to start fights and insult people especially since all_ _ **I**_ _wanted was to spend a few days with my best friend before I had to go back to the southern encampment and let me tell you, this sleepover is_ _ **not**_ _what I was hoping it would be…")_

"...Except," Lu Ten added, rather reluctantly, "as...horrifying as it is...you have to admit that...well...boiled tea is better than _no_ tea. Probably."

Jouin grimaced. "I...guess that's true, sir."

Lu Ten nodded. "Yeah. Desperate times, desperate measures, and all that. So...let's say we were running out of tea right now, and...well, someone had boiled the last pot. It'd be awful, but...well, if it meant keeping warm, I guess I'd just deal with it. Right?"

Jouin sighed. "Right."

"It would suck," Lu Ten nodded, "but I'd manage."

"OH SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR HYPOTHETICAL LOSS OF TEA!" Kenta snapped at them from across the fire. "WE ALL KNOW THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN. _I'M_ THE ONE STUCK IN THIS FROZEN WASTELAND WITHOUT ANY COFFEE!"

Lu Ten ignored him. "So," he continued, "even though I know you make a mean boarcupine roast...well. Corporal Yukiko was right. People were hungry. Getting them fed was what was important. Even if it meant sacrificing quality."

Jouin sighed. "Duly noted, sir. I suppose you want me to apologize."

"Yes, that would be nice," Lu Ten nodded.

Jouin sighed again, got up, and stalked around the campfire to where Corporal Yukiko sat. She appeared to be awkwardly comforting Kenta over the lack of coffee, given that she was gingerly patting his back while he glared at the ground. She glanced up as Jouin and Lu Ten approached, and had the decency to look abashed. So did Jouin, actually.

There was a moment of embarrassed silence until Lu Ten made a pointed cough.

Jouin spoke first. "Corporal, I'm afraid earlier I valued my boarcupine-cooking techniques over the hunger of yourself and others, and for that I owe you an apology."

"Uh," she said, glancing at Kenta. "Apology accepted, sir. Um. And my apologies, sir, for...calling the Green Sand Clan a bunch of...um...blasphemous grass-skirted dancers."

Lu Ten winced. "Oh, ouch."

"Apology accepted, Corporal," Jouin said.

"Great!" Lu Ten beamed, and he sat down beside Corporal Yukiko to continue eating his stew. "Great job, guys. Now everyone's happy!"

"I'm not happy," Kenta grumbled.

"And you won't be until you get coffee, I know," Lu Ten nodded. "Anyway, now that that's taken care of, I'm going to eat my lunch!" He chowed down on the stew.

Jouin sat down on his other side and went about finishing the last of the food in his own bowl. "It's too bland," he complained.

"Jouin," Lu Ten said, "everything in the Earth Kingdom is bland." The whole stupid continent had a pitiful supply of spices.

Jouin sighed. "This is true. I'd kill the entire Earth Army for some chili peppers right now."

"We're gonna kill the entire Earth Army anyway," Corporal Yukiko chuckled.

" _Definitely,"_ Kenta grumbled, glaring at the giant wall looming in the distance. "I hate those stupid jerks so much. What do you even think they're even doing right now?"

* * *

"What are they even _doing_ right now?" General How muttered, peering out his window.

Behind him, the slurping sounds made by General Bian drinking her tea paused. How held back a sigh; he'd meant it as a rhetorical question, but General Bian made a point of acknowledging his every word. He was fairly certain she only did it because she knew it annoyed him. "What is _who_ doing now?" she asked. Her voice was flat and dull, tempered by old bitterness and gloomy as ever.

How stared down at the group of soldiers gathered around the wall, near the base of the watchtower that housed his office. "My troops," he said. Catching sight of some Northern uniforms, he added, "And a few of your troops too, Sung. They're all...watching over the wall."

He could _hear_ General Bian roll her eyes. "Don't we _want_ them to be watching over the wall?"

General Sung laughed. "She has a point, How! You'll have to explain what's so weird about it."

"They're just...all together, looking over the wall," How said. "I don't think we have that many lookouts on duty, and if we did, they wouldn't be clustered like that." Sudden laughed wafted up to the window, and How blinked down at the soldiers. "And they're _laughing."_

"Laughing," General Bian repeated dubiously.

"You said some of my boys are down there?" General Sung asked.

"A few," How nodded.

"Oh, well that explains it! There's a few of them who've taken to people-watching on the northern battlements."

"People-watching," General Bian repeated, even more dubiously.

"Yes, and I must say, their observations are rather hilarious."

" _Hilarious,"_ General Bian repeated, apparently having reached the end of her ability to form independent sentences.

"Yes, they keep up a running commentary on the Fire Army's actions. Nothing like a little humor to keep up morale."

How turned away from the window in time to see General Bian's eye twitch. "Oh," she said, "yes, Fire soldiers certainly are hilarious. I've seen Fire Nation humor, up close and personal. They especially think it's funny to lock entire villages into a single building and light it on fire. Ha ha, General Iroh is clearly the master of comedy." She had another slurp of her tea. How refrained from bashing his head into the wall and wondered if it was at all possible for General Bian to _not_ be a gloomy, wretched mess of a Nanyuese survivor - though that given all Nanyuese survivors were gloomy, wretched messes by default, he supposed it really wasn't.

General Sung just scoffed. "Oh, honestly General Bian, it's humor that _makes fun_ of the Fire Nation! I would think you'd like it." He brightened at a sudden idea. "In fact, why don't we all go down and listen to what the troops are saying? I'm sure that would lift your spirits!" He immediately got up from his seat beside How's merrily-crackling fireplace and strode out of How's office, completely missing the skeptical looks How and General Bian shot after him.

"Well," How sighed, snatching his cloak from its hook, "looks like we're going outside."

"Yay," General Bian muttered, staring into the flames, "cold."

They caught up to General Sung on the landing and continued down towards the troops.

There were a dozen or so soldiers gathered around the battlements, all chattering and laughing and in generally good spirits, despite the miserable weather. "Good afternoon," How said amicably as he and his companions approached.

The soldiers turned around, saw the trio of superiors, and immediately snapped to attention. "Sir!"

"At ease," How said. "What's going on here? Who's on lookout?"

"I am, sir," said a private who was holding a mug of tea, not the telescope.

How stared at her. "Why aren't you looking out, Private...?"

She stood a little straighter. "Private Bing Li, sir. And I'm not because Corporal Roshi is better at narrating."

"Narrating?" How repeated.

The man who _was_ holding the telescope looked sheepish. "We've only got the one telescope, sir, and everyone wants to know what's going on, so…"

"We figured it'd be more efficient to have the person who can make it the most entertaining for the rest of us use it, sir," Private Bing shrugged.

"And Changpu and I bribed her with tea, sir," Corporal Roshi added, glancing at another corporal who stood beside him. Both of them wore the uniform of General Sung's northern troops, How noted.

"Huh," said How, and he held his hand out. "May I?"

Corporal Roshi handed over the telescope, and How peered through it at the encampment below. "Well," he said after a moment, "they certainly _look_ miserable…"

"Do they?" General Sung asked.

How shrugged. "They're all just huddled around their fires."

General Sung snorted. "Honestly How, if that's all you have to say, give the telescope back to Corporal Roshi and let him do his job."

"Technically it's Private Bing's job," How said, handing the telescope back to a suddenly-hesitant Corporal Roshi.

"Oh," Private Bing said, immediately handing her tea off to Corporal Changpu. "I'm sorry sir, I'll get right back on it - "

"No worries," How said, making sure Corporal Roshi took the telescope. "I suppose this way, we have quite a number of people on lookout."

Private Bing brightened. "I thought much the same, sir!" she beamed, snatching her tea back. "Corporal Roshi was just explaining how he can tell who the Firebenders are."

"How so?" How asked, looking at Corporal Roshi.

"They're the ones surrounded by other people I'm guessing are nonbenders," Corporal Roshi said, peering through his telescope. "I'm guessing they're sharing the heat. Is it true Firebenders run hotter than most people?"

"It is," General Bian said, speaking up for the first time since they'd left How's office.

"Huh," Corporal Roshi said, shooting a glance at her, and for a moment it looked like he might ask more. How saw the second he changed his mind - Corporal Roshi took one look at General Bian's uniform, cut and colored in such a way that she was distinctly a member of the Nanyuese Division of the Earth Army, and just barely managed to hold back his blanch. He turned back to the Fire troops below and peered through the telescope. "So, yeah, I'm pretty sure the folks getting followed around by a gaggle of soldiers acting like turtle-ducklings are Firebenders. Most of them have accepted their fates as portable campfires, it seems, but some of them have...not." A pause. "Yikes. That one literally just punched a guy who was getting too cuddly."

"Fire punched, or regular punched?" Corporal Changpu asked.

"Regular. Guess they don't wanna burn their own people. Ooh, someone is trying to break away from his turtle-ducklings! He's running! He's jumping over people's seats! He's desperately kicking away that one guy clinging to his leg! Oh my spirits just accept your fate as a heat source and - WHOA THERE GOES THE SOUP POT!"

The assembled soldiers broke into shrieking laughter. "What, seriously?" Private Bing asked, utterly gleeful. "Did the whole thing spill?"

"NO!" Corporal Roshi grinned. "The cook saved it at the last second! Just barely! And now she's chasing the offender with a spoon! May the spirits have mercy on his soul…"

"Oh man," Corporal Changpu grinned. "I wish they'd lost the soup pot. That would have been _hilarious."_

"And a fitting end to _that_ mess," Private Bing snickered.

"There was a mess with the soup pot?" General Sung asked.

"The hunters brought a boarcupine into the camp and two of the soldiers practically murdered each other over it for whatever reason," Corporal Changpu explained. "It was amazing. If they'd lost the soup after that, it would've been perfect."

General Bian hummed and looked out over the vast landscape, covered in bright white snow. "Don't worry, Corporal," she said. "With the way the weather's going, I'm sure you'll still get to see them starve."

* * *

"Are we gonna starve?" Private Lee asked, watching the cook chase a hapless corporal around, screaming threats of dismemberment.

"What?" Lu Ten yelped. "Of course not! The stew was saved, see? And given the way our dear cook is going at it, no one's going to be running around the food ever again. We're fine."

"I, ah...I meant more like, after the stew is finished, sir," Private Lee said, scraping the last of his stew from his bowl.

Lu Ten opened his mouth, paused, and closed it. After a moment, he said, "Well of course not, we'll be fine! Jouin, how's our food supply?"

Jouin glanced at the massive pot of leftover boarcupine stew, and then towards the supply tents off in the distance. "It's adequate, sir."

Lu Ten nodded. "Okay, good. There, see Private Lee? We won't starve!"

"Although," Jouin added, "we do want to be cautious. The storm messed up the supply lines."

"I figure," Lu Ten said. "Even though the snow's stopped, it'll still be hard for the supply wagons to get through. And there's no telling how long the snow's gonna stick around and make a mess of things."

"Wow," Kenta said. "Starvation, freezing, crushed by Earthbenders, there are _so many_ ways we could die out here."

"Shut up, Kenta, no one's gonna starve. Jouin said we have plenty of food! Right, Jouin?"

"An adequate amount, sir," Jouin said.

"Which is the same as _plenty_ ," Lu Ten insisted. "Not to mention we can always supplement our stores by hunting! Can't we?" He glanced from the stew pot to Jouin. "Or...didn't you say that might actually have been the last boarcupine?"

Jouin grimaced. "Yes, it might be. The hunters haven't seen any others for weeks."

"Okay, so...how about antelope-foxes?"

"Also missing."

"Platypus bears?"

"Either we've eaten them all or they're hibernating."

"Rabaroos?"

"Gone."

"Hogmonkeys?"

"No sign of them. Or much of anything else in the area."

Lu Ten frowned. "This...this could be a problem."

Kenta grimaced. "We're gonna have to be _really_ careful with our food supplies, then," he said. "It sounds like the army's already eaten all the big-game animals out here."

Lu Ten got a weird glint in his eye, and he slowly turned to look at the giant lake that stretched out to the south of the camp. "Not _all_ of them."

* * *

"You want me to _what?"_

"Kill that serpent that swims around the lakes," Lu Ten repeated, gesturing out to the massive expanse of unfrozen water beyond the docks.

"You know," Kenta added for clarification, "terrifyingly enormous, green and blue, super-long tongue, weird frill around the head, likes to scream a lot, makes rookies cry in their sleep."

Captain Zhao stared at them for a few moments before asking, " _Why?"_

"Because this blasted snow is interfering with the supply lines and we can't afford food getting scarce!" Lu Ten said. "Besides, have you _seen_ that thing? It looks delicious."

"Super delicious," Kenta agreed. "Think it'd go well with some wasabi, some soy sauce…"

"Oh my Agni _yes._ I want it in a sushi roll."

Captain Zhao spluttered. "With all due respect, my prince, have _you_ seen that thing? It's massive! I can't take it down with just my one ship!"

"Water Tribe barbarians hunt walrus-whales with nothing but a canoe and some measly spears," Lu Ten said dryly. "I'm certain if those backwards peasants can manage it, you can make do with your Imperial-class ironclad and all the weapons and Firebenders that come with it."

There was a screaming noise from beyond the docks, and they all turned and looked out at the lake. The serpent was gayly splashing about a quarter mile off, its massive coils nothing but pure muscle, its green, iron-hard scales shimmering iridescently in the sun, its terrible shrieks piercing the eardrums of everyone within a miles-long radius.

"Lu," Kenta said, "if we get to eat that thing, I will _almost_ be able to forgive you for the lack of coffee."

Lu Ten turned back to Captain Zhao. "Well Captain?"

Zhao was still huffy. "I don't have any experience hunting sea monsters," he grumbled.

"First time for everything," Kenta said. "Who knows, it could come in handy someday."

"Why _me?"_ Captain Zhao asked.

Lu Ten gave his most confident smile. "Because you are the _exact_ man for the job!" he beamed. "You are a very _driven_ individual with no small amount of firepower at his disposal, and you're a capable leader who understands the importance of taking risks!" Translation: Captain Zhao was a reckless nutcase with no self-control who regularly stretched the limit of his orders to satisfy his own selfish desires for glory, and if he wasn't able to take down an enormous sea serpent and got himself killed in the process, it wouldn't be much of a loss and Grandpa Azulon would probably write Lu Ten a thank you note for removing such a cumbersome underling. Uncle Ozai wouldn't be happy, seeing as Captain Zhao was one of his pet military officials, but Uncle Ozai could suck it up. "Truly, Captain, I have full faith that you'll perform a great service to the Fire Nation if you accept this mission."

Kenta snorted and shot Lu Ten an amused glance. Whether Captain Zhao's great service was getting them more food or dying and getting out from everyone's feet remained to be seen.

Captain Zhao looked reluctantly mollified, cautiously preening. "Thank you for the compliments, my prince," he said, standing a little straighter. "I am humbled by your faith in me. But I'm still not sure…" He glanced back out across the water, where the serpent was stretched fifty feet into the air and screaming at the sun.

"You know, when you take that thing down, I'll be sure to bring your exemplary service to my family's attention," Lu Ten said. "My grandfather will be _very_ impressed." Probably not, Grandpa had killed three dragons by the time he was Captain Zhao's age and would probably have seen the sea serpent as a mildly challenging afternoon exercise. "So will my father and Uncle Ozai."

Captain Zhao immediately perked up at the mention of Ozai. "Well," he said, watching the serpent gracefully crash back down into the water, "surely it can't be _that_ hard. Men! Stock the harpoons and prep the ship, I want to be off within the hour! We're going fishing!"

"That's the spirit!" Lu Ten grinned. "I have full faith in your ability to deliver me a delicious sushi roll, Captain Zhao."

Captain Zhao spent the next half-hour shouting completely unnecessary orders and blustering about while Lu Ten and Kenta looked suitably impressed. The ship was loaded with harpoons and extra cannons and Firebenders who eagerly manned their stations, and after only thirty minutes Lu Ten and Kenta found themselves standing at the end of the dock, waving farewell as the ship set sail. The serpent had submerged itself fifteen minutes ago, presumably finished with its busy schedule of screaming, but it would resurface again, and when it did, Captain Zhao would be there.

Hopefully.

"You sure he's a good choice?" Kenta asked Lu Ten, still waving.

"Sure he is," Lu Ten grinned, also waving.

"He's a navy officer who once did a tour in the _desert."_

"I _know,"_ Lu Ten snickered. "Grandpa _hates_ him."

"He came back from that desert babbling about giant spirit owls and buried libraries and killing the _moon."_

" _Man_ that was an interesting day in court."

"Sifu Jeong Jeong said he's unstable and impulsive."

"Sifu Jeong Jeong was absolutely correct," Lu Ten said. "I miss that guy."

"You just sent him off with lots of sharp pointy objects and explosives to kill a giant water monster."

"Either he gets us food or he gets himself killed," Lu Ten shrugged. "Either outcome is acceptable."

* * *

Next week: Zhao attempts to kill a sea serpent. Lu Ten attempts to control nature. The Earth Army gets to see the Fire Army screw themselves over in new and amazing ways.

I feel the need to point out that, while I understand that the Fire Nation is not Japan, I'm pretty sure they have a seafood-rich diet, being an island nation and all. Ergo, sushi. I do wish I'd known more about Asian cultures back when I was building the bedrock of my headcanons - I wound up getting swept along in the Fire Nation = Japanese culture that most of the fandom goes along with, so there's a lot of Japanese elements in my interpretation of the FN. Frankly my FN is a terrible cultural hodgepodge of Japan, China, India, Oceania, and Mesoamerica. Honestly tho, if anywhere in the Avatarverse is straight-up Japanese it's Kyoshi Island, the FN canonically seems to be more of a Chinese-Thai mix. Though by Legend of Korra it seems that the creators themselves fell into the Fire Nation = Japan mindset, since many of their FN/FN-descended characters had Japanese names - Izumi, Hiroshi and Asami Sato, Naoki, maybe a few others I'm forgetting...

Zhao is here! And he's not an admiral yet! All he has to his name is a ship and a good relationship with Prince Ozai, who doesn't have that much sway in the military yet but hey, Zhao's sure that whenever his lordship manages to gain more political power, his support will be greatly rewarded! In the meantime, he has to kill a sea monster. Think of it as practice, Zhao.

Also, since I finally got the chance, I felt the need to specify that Corporals Changpu and Roshi are usually stationed up north. They're just here on the western part of the wall as part of General Sung's entourage while the man's visiting. The reason for this is that Changpu was born and raised in Lower North, the northern section of the Lower Ring, so when he joined the army that was the section he joined up with. I guess the same is true of Roshi, but Changpu's backstory is what's important here.

Also, headcanon that Jeong Jeong was totally one of Lu Ten's firebending teachers. And also Kenta's. But Jeong Jeong and Lu Ten, because in the depths of his despair over fire being such a BURDEN and his growing doubts on whether the Fire Nation was doing the right thing, Jeong Jeong told himself that hey, at least he could teach the eventual Fire Lord how to have some self control and not burn everything for kicks.


	4. The World is Your Snowball

**See, THIS is why I try to have a COMPLETE story before I start posting chapters. "I'll just write it as I go along," I said. "It's just a crackfic!" I said. "It'll be easy!" I said.**

 **I was wrong. I'm always wrong.**

 **This chapter was either gonna be super long or kinda short, but the rest of it hasn't been cooperative so I figured I'd just cut it at kinda short. It's been a long enough wait as it is (note the lack of winter weather these days, unless you're in the Southern Hemisphere maybe), so I'm just gonna post it.**

* * *

"Okay, so this is unacceptable," Lu Ten said, surveying the camp. It was a little hard to do - the ground was still covered in snow, and given the angle the sun was hitting at it made the entire place painfully bright with reflected light. Lu Ten squinted into the intense shininess. "Who here wants to help me get rid of this stuff before we all go blind?"

"Won't it just melt on its own?" Kenta grumbled.

"You know, I was _hoping_ that would've happened by now," Lu Ten said. He frowned up at the sun, as though it might be defective. "I mean, there's no way mere ice crystals could stand against Agni's heat, right? Except apparently it's too cold for the sun to take effect, so I suppose we ought to take it into our own hands." He looked at the blindingly white landscape. "Of course, it's good to see how nicely this stuff reflects the sun's brilliance. Symbolic. Makes the world even brighter. Even if it does blind us all in the process."

As though to illustrate his point, Private Lee stumbled through the snow, eyes squeezed shut and arms outstretched. He ran straight into Corporal Yukiko, and the two of them tumbled into a snowbank with twin yelps.

"Lee, why are your eyes closed?" Corporal Yukiko demanded, picking herself up and pulling him up after her.

"Sorry!" he said. "I just couldn't see well, so I closed them!" He brushed snow off his uniform and shivered. " _Brrrrr_ , now I'm even colder."

"It's okay," Corporal Yukiko said, pulling him to Corporal Sango's side. "Just huddle next to Sango here, okay?"

"Yukiko, don't you _dare - "_ Corporal Sango began.

" _Shhhh,"_ Corporal Yukiko said, cuddling next to Corporal Sango and effectively sandwiching the poor Firebender between herself and Private Lee. "Just warm snuggle times now, okay?"

Corporal Sango growled, but subsided at a look from Lu Ten.

"How do Water Tribe barbarians _survive_ in this stuff if they can't see a thing all winter long?" Kenta grumbled.

"Yeah," Lu Ten said, "this is a safety hazard. Either we're all going to have to walk around with our eyes closed, or we'll go blind."

"I don't wanna go blind!" Private Lee wailed, huddling closer to Corporal Sango.

"You won't, Private," Lu Ten said, clapping a reassuring hand to the kid's shoulder. "I promise."

Private Lee gaped up at him, looking suitably reassured. " _Really?"_

"Really," Lu Ten nodded, and he turned to the surrounding troops. "Alright Firebenders!" he shouted, raising a rallying fist into the sky. "We're going to melt this snow and get it out of the way once and for all! Who's with me?"

The Firebenders cheered enthusiastically, looking very pleased to have an excuse to shoot fire at stuff.

"What's the plan, sir?" Jouin asked, eager to begin.

"The plan," Lu Ten said, "is we start here" - he pointed at the ground - "and expand in all directions" - he waved his arms in a wide sweeping motion - "melting all the snow in our way until there's none left!"

"That sounds like a fantastic plan, sir," Jouin said.

"Thank you," Lu Ten said, "I thought so, too. Alright Firebenders, let's get to work!" He shot a stream of fire at the ground and began burning the snow away in strips. Corporal Sango immediately shoved Corporal Yukiko and Private Lee off of her and hopped to her prince's commands. Jouin and Kenta quickly followed suit, and the rest of the Firebenders followed their brave leader's example, blasting any snowdrift unfortunate enough to get in their way.

Before long, the snow began to disappear. Lu Ten laughed. "Ha! This is so easy!" he grinned at Kenta. "Just think, within the hour, we'll have a nice, snow-free camp. I bet the mudslugs up on the wall don't have that!"

"Yeah," Kenta said, "Fire once again proves itself superior. How do they even clear snow away, anyway?"

"Probably with something stupid and inferior. Like rocks. Or a broom or something."

* * *

"It's like no one's ever explained the concept of a broom to them," Corporal Roshi said, staring down at the Fire Army. "Or a snow shovel."

"What are they doing?" General Sung asked, frowning over the wall. "Are...are they _burning_ their own camp?"

"We can only hope," General Bian muttered.

"No sir," Corporal Roshi said, "they're burning the snow."

"What, to clear it?" General Sung asked.

"Yes, sir."

General Sung thought it over. "I suppose it _makes sense…"_

Corporal Changpu snorted. "Took 'em long enough. Why wasn't that the _first_ thing they did?"

"Because Firebenders are _stupid,"_ Private Bing chuckled.

"When it comes to snow, at least," How said, subtly reminding his subordinate to _not_ underestimate their enemies. Still, she was right - it _had_ taken the Firebenders a long time to decide to clear away the snow. The Earth Army had been sweeping the stuff away even as it fell, and the entire length of the wall was safely snowless. Even most of the ice patches had been cleared away. By now, all the walkways had been preemptively sprinkled with salt harvested from Chameleon Bay, in preparation for the second storm that was sure to come.

"Do you think they _know_ there's another storm coming?" Corporal Changpu asked.

"We can only hope they're not that adept at reading the weather," How sighed.

"Y'know," Corporal Roshi said, slowly scanning the Fire camp with the telescope, "I have to admit, I'm a little jealous. Firebending is _definitely_ a good way to get rid of snow - "

"What the _hell_ is going on out there?!" Corporal Changpu suddenly yelped. How pulled his attention from the Fire Army and followed the corporal's pointing finger out toward the lake, where - oh. Oh, dear.

"What's going on out where?" Corporal Roshi asked, telescope waving about wildly.

" _There,"_ Corporal Changpu said, grabbing the telescope and aiming it at the lake.

"Holy schist," Corporal Roshi said. "So, um, it appears that a Fire Navy ship is going up against our sea serpent. Wow, that is a _lot_ of sharp pointy objects."

"Well," said General Sung, "the latest reports _did_ say that the Fire Army had eaten most of the big-game animals in the area…"

"They're going to eat our serpent?" Corporal Changpu gaped.

Private Bing gasped. "No! Not Squeaky!"

"Okay, let's see here," Corporal Roshi said. "It's one Imperial-class ironclad against the serpent. They are...very much in its personal space. Serpent looks kind of...interested, I guess, maybe it wants to play? Does it play? I dunno, I grew up hearing stories about this thing but the first time I saw it was, like, four days ago. Does it play?" He looked to Private Bing for confirmation.

"He'll rip up trees sometimes and punt them around the water," she said, watching the lake. "And one time I saw him snatch a boarcupine off the shoreline and play around trying to drown it before he got bored and just ate it."

"...Very violent playtime, got it," Corporal Roshi said. "So maybe it thinks the ship's a new toy or something. A very dangerous toy. I'm seeing two...no, three catapults, not that they'll be much use in a close-quarters fight. Lotta spearmen. And...eight, nine...ten? Ten Firebenders. I think."

"How do you know they're Firebenders?" Private Bing asked nervously.

"They aren't holding any weapons, I can only assume it's because they can shoot fire out of their hands and not because they're stupid. Serpent's kinda slowly swimming around in front of them, trying to investigate, and - oh, spirits, there's a guy with a harpoon gun."

"SWIM AWAY, SQUEAKY, SWIM AWAY!" Private Bing shouted over the wall.

"Why is she so attached to the sea monster?" General Bian grumbled to How.

How shrugged. "It's our serpent. You don't care for it?"

"It tried to _eat me_ when I was traveling to the city, and while that was still a warmer welcome than the blasted bureaucrats gave my people, it wasn't exactly endearing. I can't say I'd be sorry if anything happened to the damn thing."

"Ah," said How, "so I suppose you'll be cheering for the Fire Nation in this instance?"

General Bian huffed. "I will never cheer for the Fire Nation in _anything._ Give them hell, Squeaky."

* * *

"Give it hell, men!" Captain Zhao shouted, pointing at his target. "Hit it with all you've got!"

It was a very epic moment, he thought. His voice bellowed commandingly, his arm was raised dramatically, he had armed troops at his back and a massive monster coiled straight ahead of him. Yes, this would be one for the history books. Or at least an epic poem.

The moment was ruined by his men shifting uneasily. "Uh, sir," Lieutenant Lee said, "it's out of range."

"Well then get _in_ range!" Zhao snapped.

"Yessir!" Lieutenant Lee said, and he turned towards the window of the ship's tower and made a few motions at the helmsman that meant _keep moving forward._ The helmsman responded with a terrified expression and a reluctantly-pushed lever. Zhao felt the hum of the engines pick up a bit beneath his feet, and the ship bravely continued towards their target.

"Yes, men!" he shouted, once again gesturing dramatically towards the serpent. "Forward! Once it's in range, we'll bring out the fire blasts and hit it with the harpoon, and...and…" He trailed off, staring at the serpent. The ship had easily gone forward a hundred feet already, but the serpent was still just as far ahead as it had been a moment ago."

"Is...is it swimming _backwards,_ sir?" Ensign Lee asked.

They stared at the serpent. The serpent stared back at them, bulbous eyes unblinking. And, yes, for every inch the ship moved forward, the serpent slithered back a little farther.

"...Smart," Lieutenant Lee said after a moment.

"Oh, that's just not _fair,"_ Ensign Lee groused.

Zhao snarled. "I _will not_ be outwitted by a dumb animal! Helmsman!" he barked, looking up at the tower. "Faster! Catch up to it!"

The ship lurched forward, picking up speed, and Zhao grinned. "Alright," he said, turning to the woman at the harpoon gun, "Gunner Li, as soon as it's in range, I want you to fire the harpoon gun and pull it in. When it's close enough, we'll be able to get it with our fire and spears."

"My pleasure," Gunner Li grinned, her harpoon already aimed and ready to go at a moment's notice.

Zhao turned back around and favored the serpent with a sinister smile. The beast was bobbing back and forth a bit in the water, but made no moves to swim away, seemingly content with watching the ship's approach. They were finally gaining on its position - another ten seconds and it'd be in range. "That's it, men! Forward! Forwar - !"

The serpent suddenly submerged, its entire bulk disappearing under the dark water with a speed that belied its size. The ship rocked in the sudden waves made by the displaced water, and Zhao was left staring at the swirling eddies and air bubbles that marked the place where his prey had gone under.

A second later, there was a massive splash and an ear-shattering bestial scream from _behind_ the ship.

"Backward, men!" Zhao bellowed, immediately running to the stern of the ship. "Backward!" He briefly saw the helmsman scrambling about on the bridge as he ran, his soldiers following behind him. Once at the stern, Gunner Li was swift to take up her position on the rear harpoon gun.

"Is it in range?" Zhao demanded, glaring at the serpent. It'd stopped screaming and was watching them all with what Zhao might call _interest_ if it wasn't for the fact that it was just a dumb animal.

"One way to find out!" Gunner Li shouted back, and she fired.

Zhao watched with a satisfied grin as the giant metal harpoon sailed through the air straight towards the serpent's neck, the thick chain trailing behind it as it flew. Gunner Li's aim was sure and the harpoon was well on course...but the ship, despite the helmsman's best efforts, was still moving forward, and there was only so much chain.

The serpent watched the harpoon fall into the water some feet before it, looking intrigued.

"WHAT IS THE HELMSMAN _DOING?_ WHY HASN'T THE SHIP STOPPED?" Zhao demanded.

"I think that'd be because of the laws of physics, sir - " Lieutenant Lee started.

Zhao wasn't listening to him. "Gunner Li, get the harpoon set up again and prepare for another shot!"

"On it, sir!" she shouted, already reeling the chain back in.

"Ensign, go up to the helm and tell the helmsman - Ensign!" Zhao snapped when Ensign Lee didn't look at him.

"Uh, sir," Ensign Lee said, pointing.

Zhao turned to find that the sea serpent had stuck its head under the water. When it came back up, it held the harpoon in its mouth.

"Oh for the love of lightning - !" Gunner Li said, and then she was desperately winding the chain back up.

"Yes!" Zhao shouted, watching the slack between the ship and the serpent slowly tighten. "That's it! Reel it in! Once it's close we'll blast it!"

"Could use some help here!" Gunner Li snapped, and Ensign Lee ran to help her. The chain had gone taut now, and the serpent allowed itself to slowly approach the ship.

"It's so stupid it'll let us pull it to its death!" Zhao laughed. "Ready, men!" The serpent was definitely in range of a harpoon gun now; it was really a pity they didn't have a second one on the stern. Just a little closer and it'd be in range of fire blasts. "Aim!" Just a little closer… "FIRE!"

The serpent took one look at the wall of fire suddenly blazing before it and immediately dropped the harpoon and its head into the water. The fire hit empty air, and Zhao wondered how in the blazes something that big could be so _fast._

Then the wave of displaced water hit and the ship rocked dangerously. Zhao and his men stumbled a bit, and Lieutenant Lee fell backwards onto the harpoon gun, where Ensign Lee and Gunner Li were still reeling in the chain. There was a clatter from the side of the boat, and then the harpoon was pulled onto the deck, no worse for the wear save for some scratches in the metal where the monster's teeth had held it.

"DAMMIT!" Zhao snapped, straightening up and throwing a fireball over the stern. "We were so close! Now what - "

There was a monstrous scream from in front of the ship.

"Oh, you've _gotta_ be kidding me," Lieutenant Lee groaned.

Zhao just snarled. "It's _toying_ with us!"

* * *

"Awww, he's playing with them!" Private Bing cooed, watching over the wall with wary amusement. She was still worried that Squeaky might get hurt, but the serpent had proven itself reassuringly cautious.

"Yeah, I think they know that," Corporal Roshi said. "That one guy's throwing a _lot_ of fire around. Okay, back to the bow they go, annnnnnnnd...yep, Squeaky dives!"

"Squeaky better be careful," Corporal Changpu said. "Eventually they're gonna figure out the timing and find a way to - "

"SQUEAKY JUST CAME BACK UP ON THE _STARBOARD_ SIDE!" Corporal Roshi cackled.

"...or the sea serpent is smarter than anyone thought and it knows to mix things up," Corporal Changpu amended. "Huh. Wasn't expecting that."

"Neither was the Fire Nation! Oh my spirits that man is shooting _so much fire…"_

"Squeaky's not stupid," Private Bing said. "I mean, he's been hunted before. He learned humans were dangerous, like, two hundred years ago. So he's always been kinda cautious around us? I mean, it's been a long time since he was small enough to be anything's prey, but he remembers. And he's not super fond of boats." She frowned. "I'm not sure why he's so interested in the Fire Nation's boats…"

"Maybe cuz they're made of metal?" Corporal Changpu suggested. "The ones we use in the lakes are all wood… Don't metal ships make a lot of noise?"

"Fire Nation ships make a lot of noise," General Bian said, in that confirming way she had that made you simultaneously wonder _how_ she knew these things and also hope you never found out.

"So maybe it's attracted to the noise, then," How said. "But enough with the serpent - how is the rest of the Fire Army doing?"

Corporal Roshi turned the telescope back to the tents. "Well there's a lot of mud and puddles," he said, "but it looks like they're well on their way to a snow-free camp."

* * *

"We're well on our way to a snow-free camp! Keep it up, men!" Lu Ten whooped, watching his troops burn away the snow. "And women! And people of other assorted genders or lack thereof! Show that snow who's boss!"

"Are you going to actually come over here and help, or are you just going to stand over there shouting at people?" Kenta asked.

"I am _supervising,_ Kenta."

"Well, that answers that question."

"You're a great supervisor, sir!" Private Lee said, enthusiastically smushing a bit of too-solid slush Kenta had missed. Despite his nonbender status, he was tackling the snow with gleeful abandon and no small amount of spite.

Kenta looked at him. "Kid, please believe me when I say you _really_ don't have to put him on a pedestal."

Private Lee blinked at him. "How could you say that? He's the _prince."_

"He's the prince who I have personally witnessed sneeze ramen out his nose. After you see that, you never feel a need to hold him in reverence again."

Private Lee looked unconvinced.

"Don't worry about Kenta, Private Lee," Lu Ten said sagely. "He is one of those rare friends who sees beyond my royal princeliness and power to truly know and care for the simple man beneath it all."

"You mean the hopeless dork?" Kenta huffed.

"See? Like that."

"Uh, yes sir," Private Lee said. "Do, um...do I also need to see beyond your royal princeliness and power, sir?"

"Oh, no, no no no," Lu Ten said quickly, "you can stop at the royal princeliness and power, kid, you don't need to go any deeper than that."

"Oh thank Agni," said Private Lee.

"Yeah, it's not a job for the faint of heart," Kenta snorted. "Lu, would you _please_ get over here and make yourself useful?"

"The prince is extremely useful!" Private Lee shrieked.

"More useful," Kenta amended. "Demonstrably useful."

"Oh, very well," Lu Ten said, stepping to his friend's side, "I suppose I can help you with the actual melting."

" _Thank you."_

Together they blasted away the remains of a small snowdrift, with Private Lee providing admiring and encouraging cheers as the snow melted away.

"Ugh," Kenta said when it was gone, leaving only a mess of mud behind. Having enough heat to melt the snow was one thing, but having enough heat to evaporate the water it left behind was quite another. That much fire took more energy than Lu Ten wanted his troops to spare, so they'd decided to settle for just getting rid of the snow and letting the water evaporate on its own. The result was that the camp was now a mucky mire of mud, much of it covered in a few inches of water where the ground was too saturated to soak up anymore, but it was infinitely preferable to the snow. "This is disgusting," Kenta grumbled.

"Not as disgusting as snow," Lu Ten said.

"True," Kenta sighed, taking a step and wincing at the squelching sound that came when his foot pulled free of the mud. "Ugh. I haven't had enough coffee to deal with this. Mostly because I haven't had _any_ coffee."

"Aw, cheer up Kenta," Lu Ten said, putting an arm around his friend's shoulder. He gestured at the Firebenders around him who were still working away at the remaining snowbanks. There weren't many left. "There's still plenty to be happy about. Just think, soon we'll have a snow-free camp, fresh sushi courtesy of Captain Zhao - "

"Or a lack of Captain Zhao, courtesy of the would-be sushi."

"Exactly! Not to mention the improved morale and camaraderie among the troops, and the Earth Kingdom seeing how great we are at overcoming their stupid winter!"

"But no coffee."

"No, I'm sorry, but no coffee."

They were silent for a moment, surveying the camp. The snow was nearly gone now, the last stubborn bits of it being melted away. Corporal Yukiko had wrangled Private Lee into cheering on Corporal Sango, who was blasting at some ice with no small amount of spite. By one of the tents, Jouin was reaming out some hapless privates who'd apparently thought it was a good idea to ignore basic safety precautions and have a fire pit inside their tent. Despite the mud and the thin layer of water that had been left behind by the snow, everyone seemed to be in good spirits, and a few soldiers had gathered on a small rise that gave a decent view of the lake, where a Fire Navy ironclad could be seen driving full speed ahead at the screaming sea monster.

"That serpent has literally been playing hog-monkey in the middle with Zhao for hours," Kenta observed.

"So disappointing," Lu Ten sighed. "Grandpa would have had it battered and baked by now."

"Hm," said Kenta. "You know, since it's so much like a dragon, you should kill it. After it eats Zhao, I mean. I bet Fire Lord Azulon would count it as a dragon for you, if you wanted the title."

"Huh," Lu Ten said. "I'll have to consider that." He grinned at his friend. "You have good ideas sometimes, Kenta."

"I have a lot more of them when I've had coffee," Kenta said dryly.

"I'm sorry," Lu Ten said, as sincerely as he could.

Kenta sighed and looked up at the cloudless blue sky. "At least it's not gonna snow anymore," he muttered.

Lu Ten took his friend's shoulder and steered him towards his tent. "Come on, I'll make you some tea."

* * *

 ***throws confetti***

 **I have no idea when the next chapter will be up! 8D**

 **Seriously tho I'm about to embark on a 12-day work week I have no idea when I'll have the time or energy to write. :P**

 **In the meantime, please feel free to leave me kudos or comments or whatever, that would be swell.**

 **Next time: We finally get to the clusterf*** that I thought I would've written out two chapters ago, and the Earth Army FINALLY gets to see the Fire Army screw themselves over in new and amazing ways. Maybe. Unless the plotbunnies tell me it's not gonna work and make me postpone it AGAIN. :P**


	5. The Fire is Slowly Dying

**So I posted this on AO3 a few days ago but I was too tired to want to deal with ff-dot-net's dumb uploading process (seriously why are there so many steps here I love AO3 it's so user-friendly) so I'm only just posting it here now. In other news, this story keeps growing as I think of stupider things to do to the FN army - this chapter was originally gonna span a longer length of time and end when everyone woke up the next morning, but things have stretched and I've managed to add another two chapters to whatever the final count is gonna be. Oh well, whatever. *shrugs***

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

"Ta-da! Tea!"

"Hurray," Kenta deadpanned, watching Lu Ten pour out the tea with no small amount of apathy.

"I'm sorry it's not coffee," Lu Ten lied diplomatically. "But at least you have caffeine?"

"I prefer my caffeine as black and bitter as my soul has become in this desolate wasteland," Kenta said.

"Unfortunately all I have to offer you is the sweet, delicate taste of jasmine," Lu Ten said, holding out a porcelain cup.

Kenta took it begrudgingly and glared at the amber liquid it held. He glanced back up to find Lu Ten was doing the same thing - well, minus the glaring. The prince was gazing into his own teacup, a small, contemplative smile on his lips. "...Why are you smiling at your tea?" Kenta asked, half-dreading the answer.

Lu Ten blinked out of whatever reverie he was in. "What? I'm not - oh. Huh." He looked from Kenta back to his tea. "Nah, I was just thinking. Do you ever notice how perfectly-brewed jasmine tea is the exact color of Min's eyes?"

Kenta stared at Lu Ten for a long moment before answering. "No. I'm not in the habit of thinking about the color of my cousin's eyes."

"It's a good color," Lu Ten said, still smiling at his teacup. He glanced back up at Kenta and frowned. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Kenta forcibly yanked himself out of a flashback of that one time Min Lee had been waxing poetic about Lu Ten's aura and how _it's just so pretty, Kenta, he's got these nice warm reds and oranges and yellows and just a hint of blue, it's powerful and energetic but cheerful and sensitive, it's beautiful and such a lovely combination and I just love looking at his colors it's such a shame you can't see it._ "Drink your tea, Lu," he grumbled, slurping from his teacup.

Lu Ten grinned. "That's the spirit!"

The tent was silent for a moment while they drank their tea. And then, in the distance -

"Do I hear screaming?" Kenta asked warily.

Lu Ten listened for a moment. "It sounds more like panicked shrieking," he said. "And - " he paused as a familiar voice bellowed indistinct words " - hm, that's Jouin. He sounds more angry than worried, I'm sure he has everything under control - "

" - LITERALLY SAID NOT TO KEEP AN AGNI-FORSAKEN _CAMPFIRE_ IN YOUR BLASTED TENT - "

Lu Ten closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the steam rising off his tea. "I'm sure he has _everything_ under control."

"PUT IT OUT BEFORE IT SPREADS! PUT IT OUT!"

Kenta stared into his teacup.

"IF YOU CAN BEND FIRE YOU CAN PUT OUT A FIRE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? FIREBENDING IS USEFUL FOR MORE THAN FLINGING FIREBALLS EVERYWH - OH MY SPIRITS PUT IT OUT!"

"Should we go help?"

Lu Ten sighed. "I just wanted to enjoy my tea," he said, and he gulped down the rest of his drink.

"Yeah, well we can't always get what we want," Kenta said, downing the last of his own tea. "Come on," he said as he stood up, "at least your precious tea is readily available. You can have more later, once we're done with the latest crisis."

* * *

"Well, this is certainly a crisis," Lu Ten surmised, staring at the fire. Fire itself did not warrant a crisis, of course - fire was a perfectly normal and important and wonderful part of life - but when the fire wasn't contained or controlled and was merrily burning stuff you didn't want it to - well.

Lu Ten stared at the flaming tent and sighed. "How did this even happen?" he asked.

"SOME IDIOT HAD A CAMPFIRE IN THEIR TENT!" Jouin raged.

"Is anyone trying to put it out?" Kenta asked, looking around at the screaming soldiers dashing around them. "Anyone?"

He was ignored.

"I mean, that's basic fire safety," Lu Ten said.

"I _know!"_ Jouin seethed. "I already yelled at someone about it earlier today!"

"Clearly the lesson wasn't learned," Lu Ten sighed.

"We _do_ have people working on this, right?" Kenta asked, watching the flames climb higher. "Guys?"

"There isn't anyone inside, is there?" Lu Ten asked.

"No sir," Jouin said. "Fortunately, once the flames spread, the men inside ran out."

"Well," Lu Ten said sagely, "the important thing is that no one was hurt."

It was at that moment that the wind blew just right, and then the tent next door was suddenly on fire too.

"Guys?" Kenta shouted. "Was anyone working to put the fire out?!"

Lu Ten stared at the two burning tents before looking over at the screaming troops still running around. "I thought this was a productive panic," he said. "Apparently it's just panic."

"I TOLD YOU TO PUT THE FIRE OUT!" Jouin was already screaming at people. "ARE YOU FIREBENDERS OR NOT?!"

"Uh, no?" the hapless private he was looming over squeaked.

"THEN GO FIND SOME FIREBENDERS!"

"Don't worry, Jouin, Kenta and I have got this!" Lu Ten said, reaching his hands towards the first tent. "Just give me a second and I'll have this blaze under control - uh." He paused and frowned at the fire he was attempting to grab hold of. "Hey, Kenta? How're you doing over there?"

"If you're trying to figure out why it's so hard to put out, it's because of the damn oil!" Kenta shouted from the second tent. "Oh - spirits _dammit!"_ he added as a third tent went up in flames.

"Oh for the love of Agni," Lu Ten growled. "Hey, Jouin? We're gonna need some help over here!"

"SEARCHING FOR IT, SIR! WOULD ANY OF YOU INGRATES CARE TO STOP RUNNING AROUND LIKE HEADLESS PIGCHICKENS AND ACTUALLY MAKE YOURSELVES USEFUL?!"

The troops continued to run around like headless pigchickens. There were shrieks from the third tent, and then Corporals Sango and Yukiko were outside. Corporal Yukiko had a truly hideous shapeless furry thing wrapped around her, but Lu Ten had no time to berate her for terrible fashion sense. "Corporal Sango, I could use your help!"

"Why is everything on fire?" she asked balefully, coming to Lu Ten's side.

"Because _some people_ decided to be _idiots_ and - WHAT IN THE BLAZING INFERNO YOU HAVE _GOT_ TO BE KIDDING ME!" he shouted as a fourth tent did indeed go up in a blazing inferno.

"Uh, that's the nonbender privates' tent," Corporal Yukiko said.

"I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE A HERO RIGHT NOW!" Lu Ten shouted at the heavens, and then he added "KENTA, HELP CORPORAL SANGO OUT OVER HERE PLEASE!"

"Oh, sure, I'll just hold onto _three_ massive tent fireballs by myself - LU WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Lu Ten had already put out the flames around the fourth tent's entrance and was stomping inside, heedless of the fire eating through the ceiling. "EVERYBODY UP!" he shouted, causing most of the sleeping soldiers inside to startle awake. He kicked the ones who didn't stir as he walked by. "I don't know how you're managing to sleep through this insanity, but everything's on fire and you need to get outside! Wake up and get out!" Most of the soldiers were already scrambling for the door, dragging their half-asleep comrades with them. "Go go go go - oh for the love of lava," Lu Ten added as a massive pile of flaming fabric and tent poles fell from the ceiling. He grabbed it before it could fall on poor Private Lee, who was half out of his bedroll and gaping at the fiery death descending from above. Lu Ten threw the burning cloth away into a corner, where it added fuel to the fire that was already crawling down the wall, and yanked Private Lee out of bed and into a princess carry. "Time to go, Private," he said, giving one last look around and finding that they were the only two people left in the tent.

"Meep," said Private Lee, staring at him.

Lu Ten strode back towards the tent flap, ignoring the fire catching on the bedrolls and the scraps of flaming fabric falling from the ceiling and the ominous creaking of the main supporting pole - actually, wait, no, that was important, he really shouldn't ignore that, he should really _get out faster._

The tent collapsed behind them the second Lu Ten made his exit.

"THE PRINCE IS ALIVE!" someone shouted. "THANK AGNI!"

"GOOD, NOW TELL HIM TO MAKE HIMSELF USEFUL!" Lu Ten heard Kenta shriek.

Lu Ten looked down at Private Lee, still in his arms and staring up at him in pure awe. "You okay, kid?"

"You're amazing," Private Lee said.

"I know," said Lu Ten, and he dumped Private Lee on the ground beside Corporal Yukiko. "Now what's - WHY ARE THERE FIVE TENTS ON FIRE NOW?!"

"WE'RE WORKING ON IT!" Kenta shouted back.

At least it looked like people had finally _stopped panicking_ and _started being productive,_ the Firebenders having apparently remembered that they could control flames. Lu Ten saw several of them around each tent now, working to control the inferno.

"You know," Corporal Yukiko mused, "if we hadn't melted all the snow, we nonbenders could help by throwing it on the fire."

"You can help by keeping an eye on Private Lee," Lu Ten said. "You're the cold expert - make sure he doesn't freeze to death."

"Oh, sure!" she said, immediately opening her disgusting fur and wrapping it around Private Lee's shoulders. "There you go, nice and toasty!"

"What the heck is this thing?!" Private Lee yelped.

" _Warm!"_

Lu Ten jogged back over to the blaze and positioned himself at Kenta's side. "How're we doing?" he asked, taking hold of the fire.

"It's not gonna spread anymore than it has," Kenta grunted, snatching at a few embers that tried to float off. They were ash before they hit the next tent. "It's taking forever to put out, though."

"You're telling me," Lu Ten huffed, helping Kenta slowly smother the flames. "Like you said - it's all the oil."

"I think it's also the fact that the army as a whole is better at _setting things on fire_ than at putting fires out," Kenta said.

"Hm, yeah, good point. Man, Sifu Jeong Jeong would be so upset if he saw us right now."

" _Spirits_ yes."

"Can you imagine?" Lu Ten asked, leaving a patch of embers to smolder and working on the next section of dying flames. "We'd be arresting him for treason, and he'd _still_ be all like 'LEARN CONTROL! BREATHE! WIDEN YOUR STANCE! HOW DARE YOU ARREST ME WITH SUCH A POOR STANCE!'"

Kenta smiled sadly. "Yeah, he would." He stamped out the last bit of fire from the tent they'd been working on - now a twisted mass of glowing embers and blackened wood - and frowned at the heat he could still feel rising from the wreckage.

Lu Ten kicked at a fallen tent pole that was burned all the way through, the bright orange light steadily growing and dimming as the embers breathed. They were glowing a little too hot for his liking. "Come on," he said, striding across the burned tent, heedless of the heat and the few flames that still flickered. "The sooner we finish with this, the sooner we can go back to having tea."

* * *

"Tea, General How?"

"Thank you, Private Bing," How said, taking a slow sip from the cup she offered him as he watched the Fire Army below. Part of him felt a little guilty for still being here, watching the spectacle that was their enemy and listening to his troops' commentary instead of doing important things like paperwork, but...well, none of the paperwork he'd had today was _pressing_ , exactly, and this could technically count as reconnaissance, and General Sung and General Bian had been here as long as he'd been, and between the Firebenders melting the snow and the Firebenders attacking the sea serpent he just hadn't been able to persuade himself to leave…

And How had been fighting this siege for _months_ now with no breaks and dammit, if he wanted to take a whole afternoon and evening to mingle with his troops and gawk at the Fire Army when he didn't have any other pressing concerns, then he damn well _would._ His secretary could take care of the paperwork, anyway.

"I still can't believe they actually _melted_ all the snow," Corporal Changpu said.

"I can't believe they actually let that much mud happen," Corporal Roshi said, scanning the camp with the telescope. "I'm telling you guys, there's so much mud down there it'd make the Foggy Swamp proud. I can see it oozing every time they take a step."

"So...does the Fire Nation not understand how ice forms, then?" Private Bing asked innocently as she handed cups of tea to General Bian and General Sung.

"Ohoho," Corporal Changpu snickered. "It's going to be _very_ interesting when they wake up tomorrow morning."

"Note to self," How heard General Bian murmur into her teacup, "wake up early tomorrow."

"Anything interesting happening now?" General Sung asked.

"Nah, it looks like things are finally calming down," Corporal Roshi said, moving the telescope in a clean sweep over the landscape. The sun had fully set now, the only light coming from the little glittering campfires below. "Down in the camp it looks like everyone's just huddling by the fires, and out on the lake…" He raised the telescope in the direction of the water and the tiny little ship lights floating on it. "Well, that ship's still going around in circles, but no sign of Squeaky since he swam off hours ago. Does Squeaky sleep?"

"Yeah, he probably swam over to the Serpent's Pass to rest," Private Bing said.

"So it's pretty quiet right now," Corporal Roshi summed up.

"Hm," How said, having another sip of tea. Maybe now would be a good time to think about heading in. Make sure his secretary had gotten all the paperwork done. And get some sleep - he needed sleep. Especially if he wanted to see the Fire Nation's reactions to the effect of freezing temperatures on mud tomorrow morning…

"There aren't as many people around the fires now, either," Corporal Roshi said. "I guess they went inside?"

"Well, that must be a tough call," Private Bing said. "Stay outside with the warm fire and nasty wind, or go inside where there's less wind but no fire?" She glanced around. "I mean...the Fire Nation doesn't make fires _inside_ their tents, right? Is that still dangerous for them?"

"I would imagine so," General Sung said.

"Especially seeing as they're always around _outside_ fires," Corporal Changpu said.

"Uh, actually," Corporal Roshi said, staring at something through the telescope, "it looks like you _can_ have fire inside a tent. That one's glowing really _really_ bright - oh my spirits it just caught on fire."

" _What?"_ the gathered soldiers burst out, and everyone began clamoring for details.

"What?" How repeated, looking over the wall. It was a long way down, but one of the tents _did_ seem to be shining rather brightly.

"Yep, that is definitely on fire," Corporal Changpu said, "and now they're all panicking - why are they panicking, can't they just put it out? - and - oh, spirits, it's spreading. Yep, there are two tents on fire now. Oma and Shu, I cannot _believe_ this is happening. Okay, we've got people running out of the tents. Everyone's screaming. Where are their Firebenders? Three tents now. These things are just blazing up really fast - are they coated in oil or something?"

"The Fire Nation tends to use oil to waterproof their tents, yes," General Bian said. "I suppose they think the fire hazard isn't such an issue when they have Firebenders on hand to take care of it." After a moment, she added, "They do make for good targets if you need a distraction. Hit one with a flaming arrow, and you can usually get a good minute out of the ensuing chaos."

How was very, very glad that he had never had to fight as chaotic a war as Nanyue had apparently been.

"That _does_ explain how four tents managed to go up in flames so fast," Corporal Roshi said. "And someone's trying to fling _mud_ at the blaze. That's not gonna work, buddy. Unless you're an Earthbender, which you're _not._ Wow. It's like they don't know how to form a bucket brigade. _Where are your Firebenders,_ idiots?"

"So," said Private Bing, "I suppose this means the Fire Nation _doesn't_ make fires inside their tents. Or that they're not _supposed_ to, at least."

Corporal Changpu chortled. "Ooooooh, someone's gonna get read the riot act."

How smirked. "This is why stone buildings are superior," he said smugly, sipping his tea. Sure, the Earth Army was known to use tents, but if you had an Earthbender with you it was easier to just pull a shelter right out of the ground. There was nothing wrong with keeping a fire inside a stone shelter, so long as you'd remembered to set up proper ventilation.

"Well, it looks like the Firebenders have finally showed up," Corporal Roshi said. "But there's five tents on fire now, so they've got their work cut out for them."

"Indeed," How hummed, gazing below. Between the ridiculous snow-melting, the pathetic attempts at serpent-hunting, and now the conflagration of tents, it looked like he might actually have an interesting report to place on Long Feng's desk tomorrow, instead of the usual summary of Everything's Fine, No Need To Panic. How might even be _looking forward_ to writing out this one - it was _funny._ Maybe the Grand Secretariat would even laugh - How would count that as an accomplishment. Actually, no, scratch that - the thought of Long Feng laughing was mildly terrifying. How would aim to get an amused snort out of the man, and nothing more.

"Huh," Corporal Changpu said, "how many do these tents sleep? About a dozen each? That's a lot of people without a place to sleep tonight. I guess they'll have to bunk up."

General Bian snorted, and when How looked at her, she had a faint smile on her lips. And then she said the most hopeful thing How had ever heard come out of her mouth. "Maybe they'll freeze to death."

* * *

 **Next time: Jouin screams a lot, Lu Ten needs to figure out where all these people are sleeping, Private Lee faints at least once, and we find out what the heck Corporal Yukiko is wearing.**

 **The bit where Kenta is asking if anyone has done anything to STOP THE BLAZING INFERNO yet is dedicated to that time I, as an Apparently Responsible Person, was dragged over to help with a medical emergency and, upon seeing that there were a lot of people already gathered around the person in need of medical assistance, asked "Has anyone called 911?" and got absolutely no answer from the panicking idiots and noticed that not a single one of them were on the phone EVEN THOUGH SAID MEDICAL EMERGENCY HAD BEEN GOING ON FOR ABOUT THREE MINUTES ALREADY. They were literally all screaming and panicking and shouting that someone had to call 911. I just... If you ever witness a situation where you think someone needs to call for emergency services, THAT SOMEONE IS YOU. (Needless to say, I made the call, and while I was literally on the phone with the 911 operator the aforementioned idiots were all screaming at me that I needed to call 911 WHO IS SHE ON THE PHONE WITH WHY ISN'T SHE CALLING 911? It was a weird night at work.)**

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! Reviews are appreciated! :D**


	6. Since We've Got No Place to Go

***throws another chapter at y'all* FYI this chapter was completely unplanned but then the latest plotbunny litter was like "what if sleepover?" and I was like "okay then." SO HERE WE ARE!**

 **This chapter introduces one kinda-serious headcanon of mine, one crack headcanon of mine, and a few Fire Nation Royal Family Feels. Enjoy!**

* * *

"We're gonna freeze to death," Corporal Sango said, staring at the smoldering ruins of five tents.

"No we're not!" Lu Ten insisted, grabbing at a small blaze that was dangerously close to an unburnt tent and immediately putting it out. "Everything is going to be _fine!_ Right Kenta?"

"There still isn't any coffee," Kenta said, dissipating the heat out of some embers that were glowing too brightly for comfort, "so it's all a moot point to me."

"That is _not_ the attitude I am looking for, Kenta! Jouin, how're we doing?"

"WHO THE HELL THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE A FIRE _INSIDE A TENT?!"_ Jouin screeched, spittle flying. "I LITERALLY JUST YELLED AT SOMEONE ABOUT THAT EARLIER TODAY, SO HELP ME SOZIN - "

"May Agni have mercy on their souls," Lu Ten sighed, though honestly he agreed with Jouin's assessment. Seriously, he knew it was cold, but what idiot went against _basic fire safety protocol?_ "Jouin, when you find them, please leave them in one piece. Kenta, we in danger of things blazing up again?"

Kenta looked around for any signs of another fire, but the only light came from the dying embers. "Nah, think we're good."

"What are we gonna _do?"_ Private Lee asked, staring at the charred spaces where tents should have been.

"Well," said Lu Ten. "We should be able to - Jouin, do we have enough supplies to make more tents?"

Jouin took a break from terrorizing some poor private who was apparently a prime suspect for stupidity to shout, "YES SIR!"

"Okay, so tomorrow we'll put up more tents," Lu Ten nodded. "See, Private Lee? Everything's going to be just fine. That's what leadership is - taking action and making decisions for the good of your people."

"Wow," said Private Lee. "Thank you, sir! It comes so easily to you!"

"Well I _was_ literally born for the job, so, you know. It does."

"Question!" said Corporal Yukiko, raising her hand.

"Answer," Lu Ten said, pointing at her.

"So we'll put the tents up tomorrow," Corporal Yukiko said. "Where are we gonna sleep _tonight?"_

There would have been a moment of silence were it not for the fact that Jouin was still shouting at the hapless private.

"Hey, Jouin?" Lu Ten said. "We've gotta relocate sixty people for the night."

"Just a minute, sir! AND ANOTHER THING - "

"Don't worry," Lu Ten said, "we'll figure that out in a minute. Obviously we're gonna have to have some of the other tents in the area double up - oh, don't grumble, the extra bodies will keep you all warmer!"

The grumbling persisted.

Lu Ten's eye twitched. "Oh come on, people," he said, "we've all gotta pitch in and help here! In fact" - he hooked an arm around Corporal Sango and Private Lee's shoulders - "I'm also gonna sacrifice my personal comfort for the greater good and share my tent with these fine soldiers, so you all can quit complaining!"

"What?" Corporal Sango asked.

" _What?"_ Kenta asked.

" _Meep,"_ Private Lee managed, and he fainted dead away.

"Whoa!" Lu Ten said, letting go of Corporal Sango so he could catch Private Lee. "Uh, okay then. I suppose I should've warned him beforehand."

" _Yes_ you should have warned us!" Kenta snapped.

"Sorry, got caught up in the moment," Lu Ten said. To the gathered troops, he added, "Now do the patriotic thing and open your unburned shelters to your tentless countrymen! Lieutenant Jouin will be happy to help you all with placements once he's done shouting." He hoisted Private Lee over his shoulder and looked at Corporal Sango and Kenta. "Okay, I don't know about you two, but I'm tired. Let's get to bed."

"Uh, question?"

Lu Ten turned back to Corporal Yukiko. "Yes?"

She looked from him to the unconscious Private Lee to Corporal Sango and back. "Where am _I_ sleeping?"

Lu Ten rolled his eyes. "You can sleep outside in the melted slush, since you like snow so much. Kidding, kidding, you can come with us, I'm sure we'll find room for you in my massive luxurious tent _somewhere."_

o0O0o

"Well," Corporal Yukiko said, "it sure is...massive. And luxurious."

Private Lee only whimpered, having revived and was now doing his best to not pass out again from the sheer shining brilliance of his prince's generosity. Lu Ten's tent was indeed huge and splendidly decorated, sporting silks, furniture, proper carpets, and enough pillows and blankets to die of heat stroke.

"What's with the pillow fort?" Corporal Sango muttered.

"It's Fort Freezingsucks and you're all invited inside," Lu Ten said, helpfully shoving Private Lee into the pillows. "Everyone make yourselves comfortable! Who wants tea?"

"NO."

"You don't count, Kenta."

"Tea sounds great!" Corporal Yukiko said, flopping down into the pillow fort. "You got pu'er?"

"Of course! I'm not a barbarian! One pot of pu'er coming right up!"

"Awesome!" Corporal Yukiko said, sprawling over the blankets.

"Yukiko!" Private Lee hissed.

"What? He said to make ourselves comfortable!"

"Trust me, he doesn't mind," Kenta grumbled from where he was brooding on a cushion.

"Yeah guys, seriously, no point in standing on decorum during a sleepover. My tent is your tent, and all that," Lu Ten said, gathering his tea things. "Just go ahead and make yourselves at home and - _Corporal Yukiko get that thing off my silk cushions."_

"What, this?" she asked, looking at the bristly gray fur she'd taken off her shoulders to spread on her lap. "What's wrong with it?"

"It's hideous!" Lu Ten said. "What even _is_ it?"

Corporal Yukiko puffed herself up proudly. "It's a boarcupine fur! I killed it myself back home. It was delicious. Skinned it myself and tanned the hide to use when I was mountain-climbing and then I thought to bring it when I was deployed to Caj-Bolor. I'm glad I did - it's super warm!"

"It's super gross and looks like it'd be better used as a rug," Lu Ten said, wrinkling his nose.

"It's clean!" Corporal Yukiko insisted. "And it really is warm - kept Private Lee from freezing out there, remember?" She tucked part of the fur over Private Lee's lap.

"It _is_ warm," Private Lee admitted.

"And I promise it's clean, Your Highness, I know how to take care of my stuff! My family works with all sorts of animal hides!"

Lu Ten frowned, but after a moment he sighed. "Fine," he said, "seeing as you're a nonbender and need extra help to stay warm, you can keep your gross fur if it keeps you from freezing to death, I guess. Just keep it away from _me."_

"Thank you!" Corporal Yukiko beamed.

Lu Ten rolled his eyes. "So yeah, make yourselves at home. Though do yourselves a favor and don't go near the paperwork on the table over there, it's nothing but reports on how big the wall is and it's all super depressing."

"Can I ask what _this_ is?" Corporal Sango asked, pointing at Lu Ten's writing desk, where a number of childish drawings were scattered. The lines were clean enough and the subject matter was obvious - generally a Firebender shooting flames and leading soldiers and being awesome - but the artwork still had something juvenile about it.

Lu Ten immediately brightened. "They're good, aren't they?"

"It looks like a ten-year-old drew it," Corporal Sango snorted, and then she froze as she realized who had probably drawn the things. "I mean, uh…"

Private Lee jumped in to save her, though really he was probably less concerned for her wellbeing than he was for Lu Ten's feelings. "It's very nice artwork, sir!"

"I know, right?" Lu Ten said. "Especially considering Zuli's only six!"

The soldiers all stared at him. "Wait," Corporal Yukiko said after a moment, "you mean _Princess Azula?"_

"Yeah! She's still learning writing so she needs help with letters, but she can send me pictures easily enough! She's a really good artist, too - like you said, those don't look like a six-year-old drew them. I swear, that girl is good at everything she does!"

"Why is this one of a turtleduck on fire?" Corporal Sango asked.

"Zuli is a visionary," Lu Ten said sagely as he poured water into the teakettle. "And also a bit of a pyromaniac."

"She attempted to set the palace hibiscus bushes on fire during a party once," Kenta said.

"She was four years old and still thought fire was a fun toy she could make for herself," Lu Ten said breezily, setting the kettle over a tiny fire in an approved-for-tiny-fires bowl that would definitely not cause the tent to burn down and bring the Wrath of Jouin down around their heads. "She's grown out of that stage - Aunt Ursa and I made sure she knows she can't just go randomly setting things on fire."

"The last letter I got from Min, she said your Azula burned our Ty's hair ribbons."

"...I'm sure it was an accident," Lu Ten said. "Or maybe Ty Lee let her? I mean, fire is fun, burning things is fun, children play with fire to have fun, Min used to ask us to burn stuff all the time… Look, she's really not as bad as she used to be, okay? She's got more control now. And now that she knows how to respect her gifts, she's becoming quite the student! Aunt Ursa said in her last letter she's already moved up half a year in her bending classes!"

"I've heard rumors that she's a prodigy," Corporal Sango said.

"Yeah, we've been thinking that," Lu Ten said, unwrapping a brick of pressed tea and cutting a chunk of leaves off of it. "Grandpa was, so it makes sense she inherited his talent. She's scary smart and good at everything she does, I swear. She's going to make a _fantastic_ general when she grows up. Completely terrifying, but fantastic. I'm so proud of her." He dropped the leaves into a brown teapot painted with dragons, which he set on a tray with five matching cups.

"So...what's Prince Zuko, like, then?" Corporal Yukiko asked.

"Aw, Zuzu… Okay, so what Azula's got in talent, Zuko makes up for in effort. Things don't come as easily to him as they do for her, but he just digs in his heels and learns it anyway. He's got more determination in his pinky finger than some officers I know have in their whole body! That work ethic is really gonna pay off someday. I'm proud of him, too. I'm so proud of both of them. Honestly I wish they were ten years older so they could be here with us - between Azula's raw power and Zuko's sheer force of will, those kids could probably bring the damn wall down on their own in a week. They're gonna make an amazing team when they grow up."

"Annnnnnnd this is the part where we hurry up and change the subject if we don't want to listen to him ramble on for hours about how amazing his cousins are," Kenta said.

"I don't mind listening to any stories the prince wants to tell!" Private Lee said.

"That's all well and good for you, but trust me, I've lived most of these and the ones I haven't I've heard a million times already," Kenta huffed. "If I have to listen to how amazing Azula is at burning stuff one more time - "

"Spoilsport," Lu Ten huffed. "But fine. Family anecdotes aren't really proper sleepover story fare, anyway. And since this _is_ a sleepover, we'd better do it properly!" He grabbed a bag off the same shelf the teapot had been on and tossed it at Private Lee. "There we go! Sleepover snacks! Properly!"

Private Lee opened the bag and gaped at what was inside. " _Oh my Agni you have fire flakes?_ Where did you get - what am I saying you're the prince of course you have fire flakes. Sir I can't accept this these are hard to get out here!"

Lu Ten shrugged. "Aunt Ursa sends me care packages. I was saving these for a special occasion. Sleepovers showcasing my magnanimous and caring nature as the future ruler of my people are definitely a special occasion. Eat as many as you want!"

"Don't mind if I do," Corporal Sango said, reaching over the still-very-shocked Private Lee to snatch up a handful of fire flakes.

"Now then!" Lu Ten said, keeping an eye on the kettle. "I've provided snacks. Who's got a story?"

"Oooooh!" Corporal Yukiko said. "Anyone know any good ghost stories?"

"Kenta, you're up!" Lu Ten said.

"Um," said Kenta. "I mean, I've got stories _about_ ghosts but nothing I'd consider _good…"_

Corporal Yukiko wrinkled her nose. "How does _that_ work?"

"I mean...because it's real?"

"You have a _real_ ghost story and it's not good?"

"It's mundanely real," Kenta said, crossing his arms. "Nothing really exciting or chilling, just...stuff. That happens. In my life. And is real."

Corporal Yukiko grimaced. "Seriously? That's all you have to say?"

"Aw, Kenta, you're selling yourself short!" Lu Ten said, idly tapping the teapot. Another minute and the water would be ready to pour. "You're the one with the weird spirit-touched family, you've got plenty of ghost stories! What about that time you and Min and I ran around the Hungry Ghost Festival because Min said there was something trying to suck the energy out of people?"

"Honestly, you and I were pretty useless during that whole thing."

"What about that time Hua Lee went out to watch the Night Marchers and they tried to pull her back to the Spirit World with them?"

"I wasn't even _there_ for that."

"Well what about...uh...huh, I was gonna ask about that ghost that lives in your house, but then I remembered how uninteresting that one actually is."

"There's a _ghost_ that _lives_ in your _house?"_ Corporal Yukiko yelped.

"Can ghosts actually _live_ anywhere?" Corporal Sango wondered. "Doesn't that defeat the point of being a ghost?"

"How is a ghost that lives in your house uninteresting?" Corporal Yukiko asked.

"How is _any_ of the stuff they're talking about uninteresting?" Private Lee added through a mouthful of fire flakes.

"Kenta's house is haunted by the most boring ghost ever," Lu Ten explained, taking the kettle from the flame and placing it on the tray, which he then carried over to his guests and placed on the tea table before sitting down. The first batch of hot water was poured into the waiting teapot. Subconsciously, his internal clock, honed by a lifetime of obsessive tea-making, began counting.

Corporal Yukiko's brows rose. "How is a ghost _boring?"_

"Apparently it just sorta wanders around and stands in sunbeams and watches people and does absolutely nothing noteworthy," Lu Ten said, rolling his eyes.

"But it's a _ghost!"_

"I know, you'd think it'd be cooler. I'm still not fully convinced it's real," Lu Ten said. "I mean, Min could totally be making the whole thing up."

"It's real, Lu," Kenta sighed.

"Have _you_ ever seen it?"

"Of course I haven't seen her - I don't have spirit sight."

"Well then!"

"But Dad does, and _he_ sees her often enough."

Lu Ten shrugged. "Still the most boring ghost ever. C'mon Kenta, surely you have _something_ fitting for a sleepover!"

"All my ghost stories end with Min screaming 'KENTA LOOK OUT!' and spitting on me. I didn't inherit the spirit sight, okay? I don't get caught up in that stuff much. It's more of my dad's and cousins' thing."

Lu Ten sighed. "Fine," he said, just as his instinctual tea count-down clock reached zero, and he emptied the teapot over the little dragon figurine on the tray. First pour accomplished, he refilled the pot with more hot water from the kettle and began subconsciously counting again. "Does anyone have any _good_ ghost stories?"

"Ooooh, me!" Corporal Yukiko said. "I've got one about yuki-onna!"

"The _snow spirits?"_ Private Lee choked out.

"I mean, they aren't spirits, they're ghosts of women who died in snowstorms - uh," said Corporal Yukiko, staring worriedly at Private Lee when he started whimpering.

"Okay, yeah, stories about the ghosts of people who died in snow might be hitting a little close to home right now," Lu Ten said. "Anyone else? Heck, I don't even care if we forget ghost stories at this point, there are _plenty_ of other stories out there!"

The tent flap suddenly opened, and Jouin entered with a burst of cold air.

"Jouin!" Lu Ten grinned. "What's the story?"

"Everyone has somewhere to sleep and the idiots responsible have been reprimanded and put on kitchen duty for the next month," Jouin said.

"Wonderful! Great job, Jouin! This is why I trust you to take care of things."

"It's an honor, sir."

"So were you going back to the officers' tent, then?" Lu Ten asked, picking up the teapot. "Or would you rather stay here?" He poured out a cup of tea and added, enticingly, "I made pu'er."

Jouin looked at the cup. "I suppose I'll stay," he said, coming in and sitting on a cushion. "At least for a little while."

"Great!" Lu Ten said, handing him the cup and pouring another, which he handed off to Kenta before serving the rest. "We were just trying to think of stories to share. Ghost stories turned out to be a no-go. Would you happen to have anything interesting? Because if not I'm gonna have to pull out my old favorite - "

Kenta looked up from where he'd been glaring at his teacup, expression immediately lightening. "Oh, please yes - "

" - Love Amongst the Dragons!"

" _Yes,"_ Kenta said. Beside him, Corporal Sango perked up.

"It's got everything," Lu Ten continued. "Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles!"

"Rodents of Unusual Size!" Corporal Sango crowed, looking delighted. "I love that story!"

"I've never actually read it," Corporal Yukiko said cheerily.

"Me neither," Private Lee admitted.

"What?" Lu Ten yelped. "Inconceivable!"

Corporal Sango started snickering. "We're gonna be quoting this all night, aren't we?"

"Oh," said Kenta, "we're gonna have _fun_ storming this castle. I mean, if no one objects?"

"I certainly don't," Jouin said. "If need be I do have a story of my own, but I'll never turn down Love Amongst the Dragons."

"Love Amongst the Dragons it is!" Lu Ten grinned.

"Please tell me you'll be reading from the actual book?" Corporal Sango said.

"I'm affronted that you might think I _wouldn't."_

Corporal Sango grinned. "Prince Lu Ten, get the book!"

Lu Ten's eyes sparkled as he stood from his seat and stepped toward a shelf. "Book? What book?"

"Corporal Sango, rip his arms off," Kenta said.

"Oh, you mean this book!" Lu Ten said, holding up the book with a flourish before returning to his seat. Kenta and Sango exchanged the grins of co-conspirators who'd just completed a successful multi-person quote, while Corporal Yukiko looked confused; Private Lee looked horrified that anyone would threaten to rip the prince's arms off. "Don't worry Corporal Yukiko, Private Lee, we'll have you cultured in no time!"

"I know this thing's a cult classic," Corporal Yukiko said. "Is it worth the hype?"

" _Yes._ And if you get the chance I really recommend seeing it as a play, too. Though not by the Ember Island Players, they suck."

"Why's your aunt take you to see them every year, then?" Kenta asked as Lu Ten paged through the book.

"She's a little masochistic like that," Lu Ten said. "Really likes laughing at dumb, over-the-top sappy stuff. Also I think she does it to poke fun at Uncle Ozai? Which I admit I'm always down for, and he makes the _best_ annoyed faces during the show... I dunno, the Ember Island Players are terrible, but they're also a tradition by now, so." He shrugged and lifted the book. "Okay. We ready for this?"

" _So_ ready," Corporal Sango said.

"Fire away, sir," Jouin said, sipping his tea.

"Great! Alright then. Love Amongst the Dragons. By Shiro Asahoshi. _Buttercup was raised on a small farm on the island of Cowry. Her favorite pastimes were riding the mongoose-lizard and tormenting the farmgirl who worked there. Her name was Li, but Buttercup never called her that. Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Li around. 'As you wish' was all Li ever said…"_

And so began the greatest Fire Nation cult-classic love story of all time. Lu Ten read it out steadily, with minimal interjections from Kenta and Corporal Sango, and he was gratified to see that Corporal Yukiko and Private Lee did seem pretty entertained by the whole thing.

" _That day Buttercup was amazed to discover that when Li was saying 'As you wish,' what she meant was -_ "

"I love you!" Kenta and Corporal Sango said, and then they high-fived.

" _And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved her back,"_ Lu Ten continued.

Private Lee was quietly absorbing the story, but Corporal Yukiko raised her hand. "So, this is cute and very romantic and all, but when do we get to the promised exciting parts?"

"We're getting there!" Lu Ten promised, turning a page. " _Li had no money for marriage, so she packed her few belongings and left the farm to seek her fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup."_

Kenta and Corporal Sango were unable to hold in their fannish joy during the declaration of true love scene and helpfully hijacked Lu Ten's reading.

"But what if something _happens_ to you?" Kenta asked, making Buttercup sound needlessly dramatic as he threw a hand over his head.

"Hear this now: I will come for you!" Corporal Sango-as-Li promised.

"But how can you be _sure?"_

"This is true love. You think this happens every day?"

There was a moment of silence, and then Lu Ten asked, "You gonna finish that scene, or…?"

"We're not kissing," Kenta said flatly.

"I'd kiss him if he looked like Buttercup," Sango said.

"I'm not a girl."

"Exactly."

" _Li didn't reach her destination. Her ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Ro Ba, who never left captives alive."_

"Oh," said Corporal Yukiko, "so _this_ is when it gets interesting."

" _When Buttercup got the news that Li was murdered, she went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate."_

"I will never love again," Kenta and Corporal Sango said in dramatic unison, and they exchanged another high-five.

"You two are just gonna quote this whole thing at us, aren't you?" Corporal Yukiko asked.

" _Yes!"_

They stopped high-fiving though, because by the sixth time or so ("Do you want me to send you back to where you were, unemployed on Whaletail Island?") it became apparent that their hands would go numb. They stuck to the quotes.

" _No more rhyming now, I mean it!"_ Lu Ten said, far too cheery for a character who was supposed to be aggravated.

"ANYBODY WANT A PEANUT?" Kenta and Corporal Sango chorused.

"This is ridiculous and you are ridiculous," Corporal Yukiko giggled, her face in her hands.

They made it halfway through Buttercup's kidnapping to the point where she jumped off the boat, at which point they had to pause after " _Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels. If you doubt me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh."_

"Shrieking eels?" Corporal Yukiko cackled. " _Seriously?"_

"Spirits that sounds familiar," Jouin said dryly, pouring more tea. "Whyever am I having this sudden sense of deja vous?"

"Huh," Lu Ten said, looking at his book. "Now that I think about it, I wonder if the author ever had the chance to visit Ba Sing Se."

"Agni knows there's plenty of inspiration in the stupid lake!" Kenta said. "I wonder how our own shrieking eel is doing?"

* * *

"What could the damn thing possibly be _doing?"_ Zhao snarled, punching fireballs over the side of the ship.

"Uh, sleeping?" Lieutenant Lee suggested. It'd been hours since they'd last seen the serpent, it was late at night, and it seemed to be the obvious answer.

"Fish don't sleep!" Zhao snapped.

"Uh," said Lieutenant Lee, "actually, I'm pretty sure they - "

"LIEUTENANT! Stop making excuses and get me results!" Zhao glared at the tall, long mountain off the port side separating the lakes. "Where _is_ that thing?"

"Sorry sir! I'm sure it'll pop up eventually! It always does…"

Unbeknownst to either of them, Squeaky the sea serpent was currently curled up some five hundred feet below them on his favorite patch of fallen boulders from the Serpent's Pass, an enormous, waterlogged tree trunk cuddled between his coils. The droning hum of the ship floating above reverberated off the stone, creating a soothing lullaby of white noise that only slightly woke Squeaky up before sending him back to sleep, little bubbles escaping his nostrils every few seconds. An experienced lakeside dweller might have taken note of the bubbles rising from the deep and wisely decided to steer their boat away from what lurked below, and in eighty years or so sonar technology would allow Ba Sing Se University zoologists to pinpoint this exact location as Squeaky's favorite resting place and watch him sleep like total creepers, but for now Squeaky was left in peace, blissfully unaware of the furious Firebender baying for his blood up above.

Not that Squeaky would care even if he had been aware. After two hundred years of living, not much phased you, especially not tiny chompable humans trying to kill you _again_ when they hadn't even been able to manage it when you'd been a hatchling. Squeaky perfectly understood his place in the universe, and that place was as the indisputable apex predator of the lakes.

"Fish don't sleep," Zhao said, glaring at the water. "So _we_ won't sleep."

"Uh," said Lieutenant Lee, who was from a family of fishermen and was thus still pretty certain that fish did, indeed, sleep, and also uncertain that the serpent was actually a fish, anyway, "sir?"

"Tell the helmsman to keep making the rounds," Zhao ordered. "All hands remain at their posts. We're going to find that thing sooner or later."

"Uh," said Lieutenant Lee, trying to remember which tea in the galley had the most caffeine, since he was pretty sure they were all out of coffee, "is that the plan, sir?"

Zhao snarled. "It has to come up at _some_ point. And when it does, it'd better be prepared to _die."_

* * *

"HELLO! MY NAME IS ICHIGO MOYA! YOU KILLED MY FATHER! PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Y'know, I can see why this is a cult classic," Corporal Yukiko said, munching on fire flakes while watching Kenta and Corporal Sango improvise a swordfight with Lu Ten's paintbrushes. "It's very entertaining. And quotable. I'm definitely gonna be quoting along next time."

"Quoting along is part of the experience," Lu Ten said sagely. "In the stage play, it's highly encouraged for the audience to shout quotes. Except for the Ember Island Players version, because they take themselves too seriously as _artistes_ and they suck."

"You should come see how the Green Sand Clan does it, sir," Jouin said. "My uncle plays Miracle Mao."

"Does he have fun storming the castle?" Lu Ten asked, grinning.

"Of course not, sir. It's up to Li and Ichigo Moya and Fei Zi to storm the castle."

"Can we keep reading?" Private Lee asked. "I wanna know if the Dragon Emperor's doing alright against the Water Spirit."

"Oh my spirits I'm so glad I've converted you guys," Lu Ten gushed. Glancing across the tent, he added, "Well, looks like Kenta and Corporal Sango have worn each other out finally."

"I WANT MY FATHER BACK YOU SONUVABITCH!" Kenta and Corporal Sango shouted from where they'd collapsed, giggling, on the rug.

"Uh-huh. Make sure you two put my brushes back properly! Alright, so back to the story…"

Outside it was dark and cold, and the wind whistled amongst the tents, but here in Lu Ten's tent there was warmth and light and laughter and good food and great tea and a story to keep everyone's mind off of the winter. For the night, at least, everything felt like it was going to be okay.

* * *

 **Next time: Morning comes, and I highly recommend you listen to The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss II.**

 **Headcanon time! Love Amongst the Dragons is the Avatarverse version of The Princess Bride and you can pry this headcanon from my cold dead brain matter. I will allow it to be mishmashed with the Dragon Emperor vs Blue Water Spirit thing we had brief glimpses of in The Search, because we need to have dragons in the Princess Bride storyline SOMEWHERE, but the bulk of my Love Amongst the Dragons inspiration is definitely Princess Bride. (I really...don't care about The Search, anyway. I regard most of the comics as B-canon to be honest.) I will fully explore the retold plot eventually, in an adorable oneshot featuring dragonpox-bedridden!Lu Ten and Aunt-not-Grandpa!Ursa entitled Is This A Kissing Book? No idea when I'll finally do that tho. :P**

 **If you've never watched The Princess Bride and thus had no idea what was going on in that section or what I'm talking about now... *gently takes your face in my hands* ...you really need to go watch it, okay? Okay.**

 **Speaking of Princess Bride and regarding the comics as B-canon, yes, I genderbent Westley, and yes, I made her and Buttercup girlfriends, and yes, Corporal Sango is gay, because even though the Korra comics look like they're gonna deal with homophobia and gave us a brief infodump on its history in the Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom, I...never saw the Avatarverse like that? I mean it's an important issue to tackle but it doesn't exist in my headcanon, there are SO many other places conflict can come from in this universe and I'd much rather write about queer folks just living and dealing with problems that aren't "oh no we need to fight for our right to exist!" So this is me making sure that piece of my headcanon is out there, despite the comics canon. *shrugs* At least they agree with the fanon assessment that Avatar Kyoshi was bi.**

 **Other random things -**

 **Lu Ten and his baby cousins make me so happy I love them.**  
 **Zhao has no idea how fishing works.**  
 **Squeaky is from a long-lived species.**  
 **Kenta shares a house with the most boring ghost ever! Wow that sounds so plain and simple I'm sure there's no potential universe-spanning plot elements there. :P**

 **Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed and have the time, please leave a review! :D**


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